Hot Blood, Episode 3: Make sure you are NOT on JYP’s Christmas list.

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(Written May 10, 2024)

This series got kinda dark kinda fast. 

We pick up where we left off, with the beach house being stormed by camo-clad soldiers in the middle of the night, blowing whistles to wake everyone up.  The trainees are ordered into the living room like hostages.  The soldiers hurl bundles of clothing them and tell them to change and meet them on the beach in ten minutes.  This is like Wild Idol, but way scarier.  I can’t even make fun of this.

I know that South Korea lives under the constant threat of war.  It makes sense that military training makes its way into pop culture, especially when the entire male population is expected to sacrifice eighteen months of their lives to serve.  If I were South Korea, I’d also be sending a message to the North every chance I got, including making our male K-pop idols serve and infusing our reality survival shows with endurance and strength training, just to show that even our teen idols are in shape and ready to serve at a moment’s notice. 

It just feels so weird to have two fun, lighthearted episodes and then suddenly the K-pop version of Saving Private Ryan.  But I can’t say the credits weren’t trying to warn me.

Our boys rush back to their rooms to change clothes, muttering that they thought they were going fishing today.  Once they’ve suited up, they stumble out onto the beach.  The sun isn’t even up yet. 

It’s hard to see what’s happening.  The trainees have to race back and forth, bumping into each other and tripping over shells and seaweed.  Even in the dark, I can see that one of them looks queasy.  He is ordered to step aside and really looks like he’s having a panic attack.  

The camera crew decides to cut away to the others doing calisthenics on the beach.  But our distressed trainee is looking even worse and starts heaving.  The camera actually zooms in, hoping to catch him throwing up, which is really undignified.  Fortunately, he just spits on the ground a few times and turns away. 

Now we get the opening credits, and this time, the tone fits. 

Back to the beach house.  It’s now 8:30am, so it really was early when they were jolted awake and dragged to the beach.  They sit in chairs facing a movie screen, and a soldier tells them, “Starting today, your real training has begun.  During your training, it’s normal to feel hopeless.  However, you must overcome all obstacles and succeed.” 

This episode and the previous one look like they’re from two completely different shows.

Now there’s a video message for them to watch.  It’s our friendly artist/CEO, Park Jin-Young!  He’s recorded a special message for our trainees.  He tells them that he’s been watching them, and lately their determination is gone, and they’ve all gotten lazy.  So he’s sent them to this lovely beach house and then yanked the rug out from under them as a “gift.”  I’m sure the trainee who almost barfed on the beach is thrilled to hear this.

JYP says he will continue to keep an eye on them during this training course.  Which I guess is smart.  He can track their progress and catch anyone trying to escape. 

Then it takes a turn.  JYP tells them, “Our TV audience will be watching as well.”  He says that the viewing audience will choose three trainees with the most weaknesses to be eliminated.  So we, the viewers, are now complicit in this.  Is this a gift to us as well?  Is there a return policy?  If not, can I vote for the soldiers to be eliminated? 

The video ends, and our trainees are given their first mission.  It is to prepare a meal together.  Didn’t they just do this last night?  Whatever.  The meal prep doesn’t take long.  They chop meat and vegetables and then gather back around the table to eat.  But before they can start slurping, they are given their second mission.  They must choose one member who will not be allowed to eat the meal.  They have three minutes to decide this.

I’m starting to get Wild Idol levels of angry, but then something really cool happens.  The trainees decide that if one person can’t eat, none of them will.  They pour the food back into the pots and give it to the production team, who eats it instead.  As they eat, our boys sit around hungry, and then a mystery guest enters the house.  

I don’t know if this person is famous in Korea.  He brings everyone outside and begins chanting/singing.  It sounds like a spiritual ceremony.  We learn that this is a folk singing master.  This style of singing is very difficult.  He says if they can master this style, then singing pop songs will not be a problem.

Our trainees struggle to sing the notes.  They sound pretty weak.  Our vocal master asks, “Are you not singers?”  This seems to irk them.  He scolds them for not being able to do this, but honestly, they’ve been up since 4am and haven’t eaten.  I’m amazed they can still keep their eyes open.

Man, this episode is a real downer. 

Everyone bundles up and goes back to the front yard of the house.  This show was filmed in January, so it must be freezing.  The soldiers are back.  They make the trainees walk barefoot on a road winding through a wooded area.  Then it’s time for mountain training.  To help the trainees with breathing, our vocal coach is giving them a folk song to sing as they climb the mountain.  He teaches them a song with so many long notes, I can’t sing them while sitting still, much less while exercising. I feel so bad for these trainees. 

They reach the top of the mountain.  There, the coach has them sing while hitting each other in the stomach.  This is also supposed to improve their breathing technique.  I want a second opinion on this.  Where exactly did they find this guy?

Finally, our trainees get some food and water and then get to come back down the mountain.  Now each trainee must sing the folk song solo. 

This type of vocalization is really hard, especially after working out all day in the freezing cold, but Jo Kwon goes first and actually does well.  His voice is clear and strong, and he can hold the notes for several beats.  Lee Junho and Khun also do well.  I’m particularly impressed with Khun, who had no singing experience before coming to Seoul.  The others struggle, with their voices cracking and wavering off-key.  Or maybe not.  I’m not sure what the key is supposed to be.  

Our vocal coach says they are improving.  I’ll take his word for it.  He says the top three are Khun, then DuJoon, and then JoKwon.  The one who improved the least was Daehun.  Daehun is having a really bad day. 

They walk back to the house, looking exhausted, but they still don’t get to sleep.  The show ends with them back outside at night, marching shirtless in the cold.  And that’s … it.  That’s where the episode ends. 

I really don’t know what to say.  I just watched a group of young men endure boot camp with folk singing.  Are the rest of the episodes going to be like this?

I miss Julien Kang.  At least he was weirdly fun.

Episode 4:  Saved by the Maximum Crew

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Hot Blood, Episode 2: Beware the nice guy of DOOM.

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(Written May 8, 2024)

We get our regular horrifying opening credits, right before cutting to a bright, sunny day in front of the JYP Building.  Ten seconds in, and the tonal shifts of this show are already giving me whiplash. 

Our trainees are on the move.  They have luggage.  They get on a bus.  Since we missed the second half of the first episode, I have no idea where they’re going. 

On the bus, they’re asked what they want to do most on the M.T.  Okay, I know what this is.  Membership Training is something Korean college students do before the start of the school year.  They go on a retreat and do fun activities to get to know their classmates and blow off steam before classes start, so I’m guessing our boys are going to do the K-pop version of this.  Based on the mood swings of this show, they will either play football on the beach or battle to the death in the UFC Octagon.

A ferry takes them to an island.  The trainees enjoy the ride, feeding the seagulls and soaking up the sun.  You know, I take back what I said at the end of the last recap.  If you’re a teenage boy in the US and are approached by someone wanting you to go to South Korea with them, it’s worth the risk if you get to spend a day on the water like this.  Go for it.

Then suddenly – DRAMA.  We cut back to the JYP Building.  The ominous music makes me think a Disney villain is about to summon a storm to capsize the ferry.  An unidentified man emerges from the JYP Building and gets into a van.  This whole scene is shot in black and white.  And then – back to color, as we’re back on the ferry in the sunshine and the lovely weather.  Not sure what the point of that was, but okay.

The trainees arrive at the island and drive to a beautiful beach house right on the water.  Khun and Taec Yeon walk toward the beach, and it’s the first time I’ve heard a full conversation in English on these survival shows.  Taec Yeon speaks English as fluently as Khun, like it’s his native language.  I looked him up.  He was born in Seoul, but at age ten, he and his family moved to Bedford, Massachusetts, where he lived for seven years before being approached by a JYP rep and invited to audition for the trainee program.  He applied to be a model but was told to try dancing and singing instead.

Wow, he and Khun have a lot in common.  And just how many JYP reps are lurking around the US at any given moment, approaching random Asian kids with no musical experience?  I mean, clearly it worked out fine for Khun and Taec Yeon, but it still feels kind of creepy.

Back to our show.  One of the other trainees joins Khun and Taec Yeon and practices his English as he walks around with them.  It’s a lighthearted little scene, but then SUDDENLY WE SWITCH TO BLACK & WHITE and the SOUNDTRACK MUSIC OF DOOM.  We see the other trainees exploring the house, and the screen text says, “The members wander around, BUT … someone has been assigned to watch them!”

Um, yeah.  I just assumed the Mnet team was doing that.  Unless this someone has been assigned to hunt them for sport, I don’t think we should panic.

We get a dramatic pause, and in the next scene, we are back to color, and of course, Baek PD and his assistants are here.  Baek PD has called the trainees together and issues the following terrifying threat:  “Instead of rice for lunch, we will eat ramen.  Make the ramen and eat it until 3:30, and then in each room, plan and rehearse for the talent show.”

Well, that was certainly worth the dark foreshadowing.  Can’t wait for the red-alert lockdown when the mail delivery guy shows up.

The trainees cook ramen and slurp it up in a way that I wish was socially acceptable in America.  We’re raised to not slurp our soup, but it makes so much sense to eat it like this.  They just bite off the end when they reach a mouthful and savor it.  Sometimes we Americans are no fun.

But wait – our mysterious danger guy is on the ferry!  He’s getting closer!  And BOY, does he look … casual and non-threatening.  

I do not understand the tone of this show.

Back at the house, our unsuspecting trainees rehearse for the talent show.  Khun is leading his team in English, so I assume they’re all somewhat fluent.  The other team is putting costumes together.  Baek PD brings everyone together to discuss the rules while the threatening, scary CASUAL LAID-BACK DUDE gets closer and closer.

Baek PD tells the two teams that there will be a BBQ party tonight, and the losing team will have to cook the food, serve the winning team, clean up afterward, and then prepare to die by the hand of the mysterious visitor.  Sorry, I just threw that last part in to try to play along with this weird vibe.  I have no idea what’s going on here.

The talent show is fun to watch.  The teams take turns performing a cappella songs, dancing, and doing skits.  The best skit is performed by Khun’s team.  They act out Olympic events, including a ping-pong match that goes wildly out of control.  It’s inspired lunacy, and I love it.  They win the talent show.  I enjoy it so much, I almost forget that they’re all apparently about to die.

But the show hasn’t forgotten.  Suddenly, there’s a noise in the house, and everyone turns around.  In strolls the man whose arrival was foretold in the Sacred Text of Dramatic Foreshadowing.  He is sinister.  He is evil.  He is … wearing jeans, a bright pink hoodie, and a friendly smile.  We are told that he’s a new trainee who is joining the group mid-episode.

Everyone greets him cheerfully.  Somewhere, Monsta X’s I.M is watching this episode and FUMING.

The new guy is Park Jae Bum.  The group 2pm has a member named Jay Park, and I’m hoping that who this guy is.  Otherwise this whole buildup is rather anticlimactic in hindsight.  The rest of the trainees tell him he has to perform a talent, so he does an impressive breakdance right there on the spot. 

The losing team cooks dinner while the winning team relaxes and watches the Eminem movie 8 Mile on a laptop.  They have a big BBQ dinner in the main room and head off to their rooms for some much-needed rest.

But of course, we can’t end on a peaceful note.  Sometime in the night, a bunch of guys in camo uniforms barge into the house, blowing whistles and waking everyone up.  We cut to a title screen reading, “Starting next week, the real cruelty training!”

Given the tonal fake-outs we’ve seen so far, I’m guessing the military guys will drag our trainees off for a day of spa treatments and playing with puppies.  But they will look mean and yell a lot while doing it.  This is one emotional roller coaster of a show.

 Episode 3:  Make sure you are NOT on JYP’s Christmas list.

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Hot Blood, Episode 1: Someone call the cops.

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(Written May 7, 2024)

A little heads-up before we begin.  For this series, I’m again relying on a kind soul who uploaded subtitled episodes to YouTube.  The episodes are sometimes split into three or three segments, and in the case of Episode One, I could only get the first ten minutes.  But it looks like I’ve got full episodes after that, and besides, there’s a LOT to unpack in these first ten minutes of Episode One.  Let’s start by talking about tone.

We open with the following:

• Black & white images of people walking away from the camera on a desolate-looking beach while a man on the soundtrack gasps for breath and screams, “ENOUGH!” 
  
  
• Another male voice yells “CONCENTRATE!” as the footage goes from black & white to black & blood red.  We see part of a face twisted in anguish. 
  
  
• The images keep switching back and forth from black & white to black & blood red as another male voice yells, “GET THROUGH THIS!” and then screams in pain.
  
  
• Finally, we get the title screen.

If I had just turned on my TV and randomly came across this, I would think it was a trailer for a new found-footage horror movie with an all-Asian cast. 

We cut to the JYP Entertainment Building.  We get a time and date stamp of 11am on January 2^nd, 2008.  This is an emergency conference between Mnet Productions (the TV network airing this) and JYP, which I now see stands for Park-Jin-Young, the Korean star who founded the company.  He’s a singer/songwriter, producer, actor, and reality show judge.  (According to his Wikipedia page, he was a judge on the survival reality show that brought us Stray Kids.)

We cut to a conference room.  For a building that is so light and cool-looking on the outside, the inside looks like a police precinct from a 70s American cop show.  (I had to lighten this screenshot quite a bit.)  I keep waiting for a gravelly-voiced narrator to say, “Previously on Law & Order, Boy Band Edition…”

Park Jin-Young himself sits at the head of the conference table.  He looks very concerned.  The people around the table ask him if the kids will be able to get through this.  They remind him that these kids are young.  JYP says, “They have to be at this level, or there’s no point.”

Everyone looks anxiously at JYP, who is so distracted by whatever this problem is, he appears to have accidentally styled his hair with an industrial leafblower.  The camera zooms in on him dramatically as he says (according to the translation), “I will subtract.”  I’m think he’s about to eliminate some trainees, but based on the tone so far, I could easily believe he’s going to murder them.

We now cut to a practice room a few hours later.  Trainees are playing music and looking confused, like they don’t know why there are cameras pointed at them.  Some trainees try to stay inconspicuous in the back of the room.  Others attempt some tentative dance steps.  I seriously don’t think anyone told them they were going to be doing a documentary.  My suspicions are confirmed when JYP strides in and tells them to turn off the music.  He tells the shaggy-haired kids that the cameras are there because Mnet will be documenting their lives as trainees. 

I want to believe that this is staged, but the trainees aren’t that good at acting yet.  JYP introduces them to Baek PD.  Baek PD asks the trainees to introduce themselves on camera.  Our first volunteer is Jang Woo Young, one of the eventual members of 2pm, and a living example of why a stylist’s job is so important.

Woo Young gives us some of his dance moves.  We only get to see a few seconds of each trainee’s introduction.  One by one, each nervous-looking trainee stands up to introduce themselves and do some kind of performance.  They are all very self-conscious. 

As I watch these very young men try to make a good first impression, I think about how even the best stylists can’t turn the actual person into an idol.  So many times, I’ll be amazed at how godlike a boy group will look in their music videos, and then I watch interviews or fan footage, and they’re a bunch of socially awkward kids.  They get better at maintaining the idol image as they get older, but catch them when they first debut, and their confidence and maturity level hasn’t caught up to the image.  It doesn’t help that trainees aren’t allowed to date and don’t have time for social activities outside of training, so they don’t know how to talk to people.  

Back to our introductions, and now we get someone very interesting.  This is twenty year-old Nichkhun.  He introduces himself as Khun.  He struggles to speak Korean and says he just came from the States.  He does not sing or dance as part of his introduction.  He does a goofy little skit with another trainee.  Then we continue with the other introductions, but we will be keeping an eye on this foreigner who is clearly very good at pivoting to humor when he’s nervous.

Someone else who catches my attention is Lim Seul Ong.  At first, I’m thinking he’s pretty much just like all the others, but then he surprises me with his song choice:  George Benson’s 1976 hit “This Masquerade.”  In just the few seconds we get to hear him, he sings it beautifully.  A bit too high and fast, probably due to nerves, but I can hear the soul in his voice.  I check my band list, and he will make it into 2am.

We get some other standouts.  Li Swee Chi learned acrobatics in China and does a perfect handspring and backflip.  Twenty year-old Ok Taec Yeon, who will make it into 2pm, does an impression of Darth Vader saying “Luke, I am your father.”  (Again, young and socially awkward, just the kind of thing a boy would have done to try to impress girls back in middle school.)  Eighteen year-old Lee Jun Ho, our King the Land dreamboat from 2pm, does something a little like beatboxing and a lot like spitting and gasping on a pretend microphone. 

After the introductions, Baek PD tells the trainees the documentary project will be called Hot Blood.  They all put their hands in and do a cheer.  Episode One is officially off and running, at least the six minutes left of it I’ll get to see.

We cut to the next morning in front of the JYP Building, as all the trainees get into a van.  They are headed off to a photo shoot.  On the way, they quote movie lines and do impressions, mugging for the camera.  I have to wonder how much of this Khun understands.  I remember being an exchange student in Barcelona, barely speaking the language, just smiling as everyone around me laughed and talked, while I had no idea what was going on. 

We arrive at the Yang Pyung Factory.  From what I can find online, this is a Costco factory in Seoul.  Our trainees are told that the concept of the shoot will be “strong guy, tough guy.”  They are told not to look like gentlemen.  

Again, I’m imagining this from Khun’s perspective.  From watching an interview he did with DIVE Studios in 2020, I learned he was a teenager living in the Los Angeles area and was approached by a Korean-speaking woman at a music festival.  He learned through the woman’s translator that she was inviting him to come to Seoul and be a trainee, even though he had zero performing arts experience.  Fast-forward to right now in the documentary.  He’s been put into a van and is currently standing on a Costco warehouse loading dock, being told to act macho so people can take pictures of him.  I’m pretty sure most murders on Law and Order happen like this.

Thankfully, this appears to be the one time in human history that this isn’t something illegal.  Our trainees are put into nice suits and do their best to look tough.  Mostly, they just don’t smile.  Instead of tough and strong, I would describe them as suave and cool.  Then I realize that what they’re trying to do is get away from the cute K-pop boy band aesthetic.  They’re not doing finger hearts or other cutesy things you see in early photos of young boy groups.  These are men.  I mean, technically they’re barely out of their teens (and a couple are still teens), but that’s not the message they’re trying to send.

 

The ten minutes of this episode end here, but I get more context from 2pm’s Wikipedia page.  The photo shoot in this episode is actually pretty significant.  Most young K-pop groups were showing a pretty boy image at the time, but these trainees were the first to show a tougher image.  They are credited with creating a new boy group image called “jimseung-dol,” which means a beast/animal idol.  This style would be adopted by many boy groups that came after them, most notably Monsta X.

In fact, I would argue that subsequent boy groups perfected this jimseung-dol image that 2pm/2am started.  The pictures I’m seeing from the Costco warehouse could be of your average JCPenney catalog model.  The ones below are examples of bands who followed them, Monsta X and ATEEZ, which definitely create a different vibe.

Defiant, sexy/cool images like this are pretty common now, but back in 2008, idols weren’t emphasizing their masculinity like this.  Abandoning the cutesy image also meant not looking so safe and approachable, which was a risk for JYP Entertainment to be taking.  It’s frustrating that I can’t see the rest of this episode, because I’d love to see if they talk about that at all.

I guess we’ll have to pick this up next time with Episode Two.  In the meantime, if you are a teenage boy in the United States, and a stranger approaches you and tries to convince you to go to a foreign country with her so she can make you a star, run away as fast as you can.  Khun may look like he got lucky, but I can’t get this show’s opening credits out of my head.  This will not end well.     

Episode 2:  Beware the nice guy of DOOM.

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Next Recap Project: 2pm/2am/One Day/A week from next Tuesday

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(Written on May 6, 2024)

There was never any doubt in my mind what my next K-pop reality survival recap project would be. 

 

I’ve mentioned 2pm in previous essays and recaps.  “Make It” is one of my K-pop favorites.  Jun K and Woo Young from 2pm were coaches on Wild Idol, as well as Jo Kwon of 2am.  2pm’s Junho, whose chopstick-breaking butt I swear I am done joking about, has had a notable acting career, including the strangely titled King the Land, one of my favorite K-dramas.

All of this was enough on its own to make 2008’s Hot Blood my next recap project.  But there’s more.  This story has a handsome prince.  From America.  Who had no musical background whatsoever when he was approached by a JYP talent scout in Los Angeles when he was just a teenager.  He went on to be the first non-Korean trainee at JYP.  This fairy tale woven into a K-pop survival show was too good to resist.  

Unlike No Mercy and Wild Idol, these ten episodes are only 30 minutes each.  So the recapping itself shouldn’t take too long, but there will be many stories to tell.  For example, our handsome prince won’t be the only American-born trainee.  From the eleven members that will make up the two groups, we’ll get plenty of stories of success and scandal.  And speaking of scandal, we’ll learn just how unforgiving the Korean media can be over careless social media comments.  People talk about cancel culture in the US, but it’s got nothing on how devastating the punishment handed down by Korean netizens can be. 

We’ll see firsthand the grueling life of a trainee.  We’ll see how entertainment company executives will work to wring every possible dollar out of a group, including taking an eleven-member group and breaking them up into two groups that are still part of the main group until the individual members have likely forgotten which group they belong to and what their own names are.  I’m curious to see if any of them wander confused into the streets of Seoul and have to be lured back to the training rooms with Nongshim Shrimp Crackers and Choco Pies.

We’ll learn about pretty boys verses jimseung-dols (beast idols).  We’ll see a guerrilla concert.  We’ll watch non-Korean trainees face the relentless schedule of a K-pop trainee while also learning to speak Korean.  We’ll see the eventual formation of a group that will be called role models by some familiar names that came after them, such as Monsta X, Seventeen, and Stray Kids. 

I am ready to leap right into this rabbit hole.  Grab your parachutes and follow me.

Episode 1:  Someone call the cops.

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TAN Update – Wild Idol for real

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(Written April 29, 2024)

I was working on a wrap-up to the Wild Idol recaps, and then things started happening very quickly.   A family emergency came up, and I had to pack up and leave Friday afternoon.  Saturday night, when I finally got a chance to check my messages, TAN had dropped a cryptic video entitled “[Special Video] TAN – 5:45.”

On its face, it’s a sad ballad about a breakup, but the lyrics focus on not wanting to be forgotten.  Some of the English-translated lyrics are:

People say nothing lasts forever …
I know you’re going to get hurt, but if you are like me,
Please don’t let me go, don’t let me go.
Don’t let the memories of our love become hard wounds.
Please don’t forget me, please don’t leave me.
Our story, which was like a novel, will continue
So that you and I can become “us.”
Don’t let me go …
Tell me you’re not leaving, don’t ever let go of me in your deep heart.

It’s a different kind of breakup song.  It’s putting the request on the other person, asking them not to forget, and there’s an expectation that they will be together again.

At the end of the video, six of the group members gather for a photo.  They wait for Jooan, who has been setting up the camera.  He comes into the frame as he joins them.  

The group then takes photos in subgroups.  There’s one with Changsun, Sunghyuk, and Jiseong.  Then Taehoon, Hyunyeop, and Jaejun.  Then Jooan, by himself.  He’s the only one who isn’t playful and smiling in his picture.

The comments under the video on YouTube are very anxious, asking if the band is breaking up.  I found a website that lists when the different K-pop bands need to report for their military service, and TAN’s year is 2024.  The group members are different ages, and I don’t know how the deadlines for reporting are set up, but I do know that the minimum age is eighteen.  Jiseong is nineteen, so he still has time.  But Jooan and Changsun are the two oldest, at 27 and 28, respectively, so they should be about to go.  My guess is that Jooan is going first.  That explains why he’s separated from the rest of the group. 

I know this is normal for K-pop bands. The Boyz will also have to start enlisting this year.  All of BTS and a few members of Monsta X are currently serving.  It just feels like a screeching of the brakes.  K-pop is joy and dancing and energy and sparkle, and then suddenly members of the groups have to put the music on hold and serve their country for eighteen months because they’re from a country that’s still in a military standoff with North Korea.  It’s a standoff that gets more and more scary by the year, as dictator Kim Jong Un started off 2024 by declaring that North Korea will not try to make peace and will actually launch more spy satellites. 

I became fan of TAN’s music less than a year ago.  I went from not wanting to know a single thing about TAN to recapping their origin story.  And right as I finish that project, suddenly they have to go into the REAL wild, where the stakes are a lot higher.  And when all of the band members finish their service and come back together, who knows how many fans will still be there for them?  They’re not huge like BTS, whose fans have marked their calendars with the groups enlistment dates and breathlessly await the 2025 reunion tour.

Jooan and Changsun will be on the doorstep of thirty years old when they finish their service.  I remember the impact of hitting thirty, and I’m a normie from North Carolina.  I imagine it’s going to hit those two a bit harder.  It will be an interesting story to follow.

Life has gotten very real for me and my family this year.  K-pop has been my refuge for the past several months.  An escape from the worries and stresses of everyday life.  It makes me happy.  The real world does break in sometimes, with K-pop artist scandals and crimes and label lawsuits, as well as trainee diets, overworking, and bullying.  I’ve been able to ignore it as much as possible and just enjoy the frosting.  But sometimes the frosting gets scraped away, and this is one of those times.

I know TAN will be okay.  I just spent several days watching them do shuttle races in water, roll logs lengthwise, arm wrestle for packages of raw beef, do push-ups on boulders, and dance for hours in the pouring rain, all while being yelled at by Julien Kang and the Bickering Brothers.  They’re going to make it through this. 

Like the new song says, their story has become an actual novel for me.  Part of which I wrote myself.  I look forward to continuing the story when they get back.

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Wild Idol, Episode 13 (finale): This could have been an email.

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(Written April 22, 2024)

Our final episode begins with a flashback to the very beginning, showing all the highlights that brought us here.  For once, I’m not skipping through it.  I’m a little sentimental myself right now.

I decided to do this No Mercy and Wild Idol recap project exactly six weeks ago today.  I’ve produced about 170 pages, including screenshots, and learned a lot about Korean television and what K-pop trainees put themselves through.  I’ve spent a lot of time on Reddit and searching on Google, trying to get background information, and I’ve gone hoarse yelling at my screen.  After this, I’m going to take a break and spend some time outside.  I hear it’s nice out there.

Let’s get to it.  In the last episode, we were told that our trainees had been filming for five months.  Here in the flashback, we’re told it’s been 240 days, which comes out to eight months.  Did the last episode take three months?  No wonder so many of the idols burst into tears on camera.  This process must be exhausting, especially when all concept of time vanishes.

Back to the present.  We see the faces of our final fourteen.  Then we go to this big round stage that looks like something out of Star Trek.  Our idols are performing the “Born to Be Wild” song.  Baby H is blonde now.  Hyunyeop has blue hair.  I have no idea what look Surfer Dude was going for, but it’s pinkish blonde and wavy.  At any rate, it’s a good performance.  I never want to hear this song again.

Three of our panelists are here in formal wear.  They tell us this show is being broadcast live and how much the idols have improved since the show began.  They tell us the rules again:  seven will debut, based on 70% accumulated points and 30% audience votes.  The fans have been voting online and by text messages.  Each text counts as seven votes.  Ah, math.  I will not miss you.

Now our finalists take the stage.  We can hear faint sounds of applause, but there are very few people in the audience, all spread apart because of COVID.  Each contestant gets a chance to introduce himself and appeal to the fans for votes.  Changsun introduces himself as a born-to-be leader.  I’m telling you, check back with him in about ten years, when he’s running his own label.

The Cadet introduces himself as the one who’s been struggling under pressure.  He’s got a smile on his face, but I know how this will end for him.  I remember how emotionally stressful the final episode of No Mercy was.  This is going to hurt.

The Brat introduces himself as the cranky man of Wild Idol.  You know, I’ll miss that little twerp.

All our coaches are here, and I can make out some audience members, all masked up and socially distanced.  Ten of the coaches will be evaluating all the performances tonight.  Hopefully, Sung Kyu has been sedated.  Each coach has 20 points to award to their favorite idol, for a total of 200 points.   

We get a flashback to the different stages our idols have performed on during the show.  The Tower stages in the wild.  That episode of Show! Music Core.  The Purple Rain stage.  And now, this new space age looking stage. 

We start with Team Answer performing their song on the new stage.  Okay, so this is set up like an awards show, with lots of musical numbers.  The No Thanks team performs their song next.  The show is basically giving these idols as much screen time as possible so they can appeal to the voters.  I still like the “No Thanks” song.  

We go back to the ten coaches, and dammit, who gave Sung Kyu a microphone?  We do get to see Jun K from 2pm again, which is nice.  I like Tiger JK’s red suit.  The coaches give the same speech about how much the trainees have really, really improved.  Back when this aired live, if you weren’t a breathless fan texting in your votes, this must have dragged a bit. 

I’ll cut the show some slack about one thing.  They were not able to have a full audience of fans, which would have made this a lot more fun.  One of the things I liked about the No Mercy finale was seeing all the fans cheering and screaming, as well as all the signs they’d made or pulled up on their phones.  We got to see and hear them vote and talk about their favorites.  They brought the kind of energy that is really missing here. 

The socially distanced people in the audience are family members of the contestants, which is sweet.  I’m glad they could be there for their trainees and clap for them.  Some of them do cheer, but it’s hard to hear them from behind the COVID masks. 

We get more flashbacks from the show before coming back to the finale stage.  Now the idols are performing a song called “Diving to the Top.”  The arena is eerily quiet while our idols wait in their starting formation.  When they begin, I immediately remember that this is the choreography that The Cadet tried to change and ended with The Spark’s elimination.  I’m sure The Cadet is thrilled about doing this song again.  The air is filled with bubbles for this performance, which adds a whimsical touch.  That might lift his spirits. 

Those have to be soap bubbles.  Can you imagine performing, and one of those bubbles pops right in your eye?  Just one of the many random thoughts that wandered through my brain while I waited for this performance to end.  It wasn’t a bad performance.  It’s just not what I came here for.  I hate to keep comparing this to No Mercy,  but those trainees had to come up with all new performances for the finale.  

Another random thought:  the camera really loves Jooan.  I wonder if there was any doubt that he was going to win this.  Also, when those bubbles hit that stage and pop, won’t the dance surface get slippery? 

Back to our hosts, who talk about how the idols’ performances have really gone downhill since the show started.  Just kidding, they’ve improved.  Lia Kim, who absolutely slays in her leather jacket, talks about how they’ve improved.  Yerin, one of the expression coaches, talks about how they’ve improved.  Everyone nods in agreement about how much they’ve improved.  I’m pretty sure if I were one of the parents in the audience, even I would have fallen asleep by now.  My kid would never speak to me again.

“It’s getting warmed up in here!” one of the hosts blatantly lies to us.  We’re told that each text to submit a vote will cost ten cents.  This is the first I’m hearing about it.  I wonder how many South Korean teenagers froze mid-text and went into math mode and then panic mode. 

Suddenly, the show does warm up.  We’re about to see the rap, dance, and vocal performances from last episode.  I’m more than happy to see these again.

I will never ever get tired of that SHINee song. 

The coaches talk about how much the teams have improved and their confidence has improved and everything has improved. 

We’re getting another performance to a new song written by Kim Jong Wan, our coach from the alt rock band Nell.  He says he wrote a song about how the idols must be feeling right now.  It’s called “Can We Please Find Out Who Won Already?”  Wait, no.  It’s called “Last Chance.”

We cut to film footage of the idols in a recording studio with Kim Jong Wan, working on the song.  We also get choreo from Choi Young Yun.  Now time to see the performance on the finale stage.  

It really is impressive.  The pyrotechnics, combined with the high-energy dancing and aggressive vocals, make this a full-on explosion of a performance.  And it’s a really good song.  Nice job, Mr. Kim.

Back to the coaches.  You already know what they’re going to say.  After they say the word “improved” about 100 more times, it’s time for them to vote for their favorites.  They write the names down.  We never find out who they voted for. 

Then the hosts do a countdown, and then all voting is closed, including from the fans.  We’re halfway through the show, and I’m hoping that now we’re about to pick up the pace.

No such luck, but we do take an interesting detour.  We cut to interviews with the trainees talking about their experiences making the show.  They couldn’t believe how much it rained.  They feel like they can overcome anything now.  Everyone was obsessed with the points.  They all bonded, even though they were all competing.  We have to watch all the Team A drama again, but then we get to see that cool moment when Aquaman jumped out of his team’s boat to free it from the rocks. 

We see clips of the contestants’ auditions for the show, which I also found interesting.  I didn’t realize they all had to audition, not just the independent trainees.  Jooan brings his guitar into his audition, but we don’t get to hear him play it.  All the trainees talk about their dreams of debuting.  I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like for the seven who have to go home after this.

Now we get another stage performance.  I thought we were done with these.  The song is “If You Can Hear Me.”  It’s a wispy nothing of a ballad, but they all look and sound good singing it.  And boy does the camera really REALLY love Jooan.  It also has a thing on the side with The Cadet.  I wish The Cadet could have won as well.  I wish there had been eight spots in TAN.

I think it’s dawning on the trainees that all this is about to end, because some of them start crying onstage during the song.  They have been through a lot.  They start hugging each other.  I love that Jooan crosses the stage and hugs The Cadet. 

Random Thought #4,812:  Why does the Tower look like it has a toothbrush on either side of it?

The trainees line up across the stage.  Now, maybe, we can finally find out the winners.  The hosts ask the trainees questions about what this whole experience has been like, which they’ve already talked about in the interview clips.  I’m sure they’re all tired of talking about it.  Please award some points or something.  This show only should have been an hour long instead of two.  We still have forty minutes to go, and we are just killing time.  Any minute now, the coaches will start talking again about how much the performances have improved.

One of the hosts asked The Cadet if he thinks he’ll be in the final seven, and I want to smack her upside the head with her own microphone.  The Cadet breaks down in tears, saying he’ll be sad if he’s not able to continue.  The contestants are just as stressed out as the rest of us.  I don’t think I can take any more of these K-pop band reality shows.  My heart breaks every time. 

I can’t believe I was right about this – the hosts ask the coaches again what they thought of the performances tonight.  You won’t believe it – the coaches liked the final performances and thought all the idols have improved so much.  Did this show really have nothing else planned for this finale?  Did other celebrities cancel at the last minute?  We couldn’t get someone to juggle bowling pins or bring in their pets to do tricks?  Go check with the audience and see if any of them can do a makeup tutorial or something.  ANYTHING.  Again, this should not have been a two-hour live broadcast.  I actually think now that we could have done all this in thirty minutes, including the performances.  

Even Taehoon, always the defiant, determined one, is about to break down.  For the love of everything that is sacred and holy, please move this along. 

Okay, now something is happening!  The name of the group is about to be revealed.  I need to see the reactions on the trainees’ faces.  The hosts look at their notecards and announce the name, pronouncing it “tan” like the color.  The camera is too far away for us to see the finalists’ reactions.  Even if we were close enough, they’ve all turned their back to the cameras to see the big screen with the name and logo on it. 

Speaking of the name and logo, I get why BTS fans were upset. 

Now, thank God, we are going to get the names of the winners.  In order of name reveal, they are:

Hyunyeop.   Again, the cameras are too far away to get his reaction, and when they finally zoom in, he’s surrounded by all the other idols congratulating him, and I can’t see his face.  We finally do get to see him as he’s pulling himself together.  The hosts make him give a thank you speech before letting him ascend the winners’ podium.  Now we’re filling up time by making each winner give a speech?  And making the other contestants wait even longer while he gives that speech?  Again, this whole show could have been done in THIRTY MINUTES.

Jaejun.  I managed to get a screenshot of him before he’s swallowed up by the others congratulating him.  Not only does this show not know where to put the cameras, they cover the screen with so much text.  The text thing been a problem since episode one and drives me nuts when I’m getting screenshots.  I do love how cocky Jaejun is.  When the hosts ask if he was expecting to win, he says, “yes, I was.”  He’s only half-joking.

Sunghyuk.  Our drama queen.  It occurs to me that this finale is way more positive in tone than the No Mercy finale.  Here, they didn’t dismiss the few audience members who are there, and the other contestants are hugging and congratulating the winners.  It feels more like a celebration. 

Jiseong.  Our high school student.  He’s the first one to refer to the name TAN in his thank-you speech, like he’s getting used to the sound of it.  He walks to the winners’ podium like he’s still testing out the name in his head.

The hosts stop here and try to chat with the rest of the idols who are still waiting to hear what their future will bring.  The remaining contestants are all so stressed out I can practically hear them grinding their teeth, and the hosts are asking, “So, who do you think will be the other winners?  Do you think you will be one of the winners?  How are you feeling right now?  Hey, where did you get that knife?”

Seriously, dragging it out like this really is cruel.  It’s not fun.  Just get on with it. 

Now we get into something I couldn’t really follow.  Turns out they’ve been announcing the winners from sixth place to third, and now they have to announce the first and second place winners before going back and telling us who came in seventh.  We’re told that Changsun and Taehoon are the two people in the top two places, but they can’t celebrate yet, because they need to wait to find out who came in number one.  Why are they making this so confusing?  

Changsun is finally named as the first place winner, and everyone runs to hug him, forgetting that this means that Taehoon is in second place and also needs to be congratulated, but I don’t blame any of them for not being able to follow this. 

Changsun manages to choke out his thank you speech through sobs.  He thanks his grandmother, who he tells us died two weeks ago.  Oh my God.  He really wanted her to see him debut.  The hosts, in the only act of common sense and compassion they’ve shown this entire episode, allow him to go to the winners’ podium, and now Taehoon has to follow that with his thank you speech.  He says a few words and then makes it to the podium, where Changsun is still sobbing. 

Now for the final spot.  I’m not exaggerating when I report that they wait SEVEN MINUTES to announce Jooan’s name.  They ask the coaches who they think it will be.  They ask the remaining contestants who they think it will be.  They laugh and joke and do fake-outs.  Is this some form of hazing?  Are all K-pop idols required to torture potential new debuting artists like this?  I got a screenshot of Jooan’s face, which I think perfectly sums up not only his stress, but how it feels to be watching this show right now.

They finally announce Jooan’s name.  He literally almost collapses.  Everyone surrounds him, not just to hug him but to keep him upright.  The other TAN members jump off the podium and run to him.  The showrunners must have made them march their K-pop butts back to the podium, because suddenly it’s just Jooan with a microphone, surrounded by all the ones who didn’t make it.

He expresses his condolences to all of them.  He’s crying when he says, “Mom, I’ll keep at it a little longer.”  I would love to know the story behind that.  He gives up trying to talk after that and just keeps crying.

Needing to stretch for more time, the hosts want him to keep talking.  You’ve got to be kidding me.  This is beyond cruel at this point.  Jooan manages to thank everyone again.  He tells his father, who’s in the audience, that he loves him.  Finally, sensing that Jooan may just die right there on camera, the hosts let him go to the winners’ podium.  As soon as he makes it up there, a big confetti cannon goes off right behind the podium, scaring the winners so badly, they almost fall off.  

The hosts announce that TAN will debut in 2022, and then the show finally, mercifully ends.

Even with a full audience, this would have been exhausting.  All I have the energy to say now is that TAN deserved a much better finale than this. 

They also deserved a much better career than the one they wound up getting.  But more on that in the next essay.

 

TAN Update:  Wild Idol for real

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