Wild Idol, Episode 2: The Tower is messing with us.

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(Written April 4, 2024)

A couple of housekeeping items before we get started.  First, it’s really weird how Korean media doesn’t want to tell us exactly where this show takes place.  Every article I found just calls it “the wilderness.”  But the show does use location dots on an unmarked topography map, which I used as a reference, and I think we’re in the northern part of the Sobaek Mountain Range, roughly 120 miles from Seoul.  This show just made me do geography homework, and in this episode, it’s going to try to make me do math.  I’m on to you, Wild Idol.

Secondly, the only way I’m going to keep my sanity while recapping this is by ignoring the panelists.  If they happen to say anything useful, I’ll mention it, which probably means I will not be mentioning them ever again. 

Back at it!  We pick up where we left off, with the Tower announcing the rankings.  This part took me a while to figure out.  As preparation for the first episode, I wrote the badge number of each band member on a group photo and kept it with my notes.  It helps that Korea uses the same numeric symbols English speakers do, so when the Tower displays the rankings, I can just match the numbers to find our TAN members.  But one of them no longer has a badge number, so his Korean name is displayed in Korean (the nerve), and I had to wait for the Tower to tell me how he ranked.  I spent several minutes pausing the show while I matched numbers to names like a gambling addict at a racetrack betting window.   I can say with one hundred percent certainty that this show has too many contestants.

# 2:  Changsun
# 3:  Jooan
# 9:  Taehoon
# 16:  Jaejun
# 25:  Sunghyuk
# 29:  Hyunyeop
# 33:  Jiseong

This is the first of two ranking sessions we will have in this episode.  This one was easy compared to the one we’ll have later, which will either trigger your math anxiety or make you wonder if someone spilled banana milk on the Tower’s circuit board.  Something to look forward to.

Until then, we are back to the strength and endurance challenges, and the groups are rotating.  Which means we’ll get to see Julien Kang being weird to a whole different group of teenage boys.  Yay.

Highlights from these challenges:

Trainee #40:  Some of these non-TAN trainees are amazing, and I don’t know how they will wind up getting eliminated.  Trainee #40 is doing impressively well and earns a name badge.  So far, he’s set the record in the L-Sit competition while balancing on logs.  After this kid does get eliminated, I hope he trains for the Olympics.

Julien Kang:  This guy manages to get even creepier.  Just like before, he asks the trainees which one of them thinks they have the best body.  No one responds.  (I like to think Taehoon warned them.) When he can’t get a volunteer, he points to Trainees #24 and #29, telling them to come to the front.  “When you’re an idol singer, you have to show off your body,” he tells them, echoing what his attorney will be telling the cops after this show airs. 

The two trainees remove their shirts and flex while everyone applauds.  I’m going to have to remove all traces of my Kocowa streaming account after watching this.

Sunghyuk:  He kills it in the stone push-ups, beating the previous record by doing 109 of them.  He becomes the second TAN member to get a name badge.

The Bickering Brothers:  When we return to the sea, the new group has to compete in deeper water than the previous group because the water level rose overnight.  Our trainees agree to endure.  I said this in the No Mercy recaps, and I’ll say it again:  if these were American contestants, there would be lawsuits.  This group has to do the Ocean Shuttle Run in water up to their thighs.  They’d be faster just swimming it.

The coaches running this competition are brothers.  Brother #1 tries to demonstrate how the race works, but he can’t beat the buzzer because the water is too deep.  Brother #2 says he didn’t do it right, and they start arguing in front of the trainees.  Then Brother #2 decides to show his idiot Brother #1 how it’s done, but he can’t do it either, so out of embarrassment and frustration, he yells that they’re just going to shorten the distance of the run.  I feel confident in predicting that this will be one of my top three favorite moments of the entire series.

Taehoon:  In this shortened shuttle run, as other trainees drop out to keep from drowning, he is one of the last three to keep going.  He stops to pull up a competitor who has fallen.  The fallen trainee tells him to keep going and drops out.  As Taehoon and his last competitor battle it out, the other one falls. Again, Taehoon pulls him to his feet.  The race continues.  I’m so happy when Taehoon wins.  Not only did he beat fourteen other runners in deep water and heavy, waterlogged clothes, he showed total sportsmanship.  He earns the nickname “Loyal Trainee.”

Taehoon, Part 2:  He also wins the log-flipping race that Jooan and Changsun almost tied in the previous episode.  Taehoon becomes the third TAN member to get a name badge and gets teary-eyed when the coach places it on his chest.  He is one of the kindest people on Earth and must be protected at all costs.

With the challenges now over, we get a night scene.  The Tower looks totally badass at night.  The trainees gather around it while the drums beat again, and I sincerely hope these boys are slathered in mosquito repellent. 

The Tower tells us that if the trainees don’t make it to the Top 14 for the debut group, they will be eliminated.  We are getting rankings again.  I take out my band member chart.  The Tower makes this a little confusing by giving the rankings out of order.  Don’t worry, it’s about to get a lot more confusing.

Taehoon ties with another trainee for 4^th place.
Jooan ties with another trainee for 11^th place.
Changsun gets second place.

This doesn’t make sense.  Only three TAN members are in the Top 14.  Hyunyeop is at 16, JaeJun is at 20, Jiseong is at 30, and Sunghyuk is at 17.  If only the Top 14 can continue, I don’t understand how these rules work. 

Now the Tower tells us that this ranking was done before adding in the double points for the overall winners in the different categories.  When those get added in, the whole ranking list changes significantly.  Also, no one is getting eliminated right now, so just forget being told that everyone outside the Top 14 will be eliminated, and this is where I threw my pen at the wall and my reference photo in the trash and gave up on the rankings.  All we need to know is that the members of TAN will eventually be ranked one through seven and win this thing.  Also, math sucks and I hate the Tower. 

Moving on.

We now see the sleeping arrangements.  The trainees are sleeping in tents.  This is hardcore.  The next morning, Sunghyuk and Taehoon are the first to wake up, stretching their sore muscles.  Suddenly, just a few yards away, the Tower lights up, and the drums start beating again.  Sunghyuk takes off like a shot towards the Tower with a confused Taehoon running behind.  Inside the tents, the other trainees are jolted awake.  They struggle to their feet and stumble off in the direction of the Tower, which is probably about to announce that it forgot to divide the rankings by Pi and needs to start over again.

The four strength and endurance coaches, including the Bickering Brothers and Julien Kang, arrive and announce that the trainees have to run one and a half miles before breakfast.  These kids are going to be more than ready when it’s time for their military service.  They run all the way to the sea and are ordered to wade into knee-high freezing cold water, where they splash around, trying to warm up.  I’m guessing this is how they’re getting a shower every day.  Then they stand as a group in the water, meditating while watching the sun rise.  It’s a peaceful scene and beautifully shot.

 

The serenity doesn’t last.  We cut back to the tents, and Trainee #23 is curled up alone with his head on his knees.  He’s one of the trainees who earned a name badge the previous day, but now he just looks defeated.  He tells us he woke up with a leg injury from the previous day.  He’s limping when he finally emerges from the tent.  He has decided to follow Rule Number Four.  He limps up to the Tower, sadly pulls off his name badge, drops it on the ground, and walks away. 

This is heartbreaking.  He’s not just leaving a reality show.  He’s leaving a chance to debut after making a promising start.  But I understand.  If he keeps going and makes the injury more serious, he may have to abandon his dream altogether.  Better to live to dance another day.

Back by the sea, the others are having a healthy breakfast of chicken, rice, and vegetables.  I can’t imagine eating that first thing in the morning, but then again, I’m an overly sugared and caffeinated Westerner.  I think the last time I ate vegetables was when I ordered coleslaw with my Bojangles order.

They return to the Tower, 44 of them now, where they are told it’s time for the Talent Missions.  They are split into four groups.  Our first group walks out to a clearing and are met by two famous Korean singers I don’t know.  Hyunyeop is a bit starstruck because he loves one of their songs.  This group will be tested on their vocals.  Outside.  Without the chance to warm up.  They do at least get music.

Trainee #32 sings first.  He starts nervous and a little off-key, but then he shakes it off and sings beautifully.  He sets the bar high.  Or so I thought.  The coaches have a lot of criticism about his vocal technique, which shows what I know. 

Trainee #29 is the tall, muscular one who had everyone intimidated in the first episode.  He also sings beautifully, and this time the coaches agree with me.  However, one of the coaches makes the mistake of asking the trainee his age, which is against Rule #2, and I can’t believe the production team didn’t stop right there and tell the trainee not to answer.  He does answer in front of everyone – he’s 22 years old, which is surprising because he looks older.  He’s also one of the best singers in the group.  He ties with Trainee #28 in first place.  Both get name badges. 

Our own Hyunyeop (#9) was in this group, and we didn’t get to hear him sing.  Since he doesn’t place, I’m guessing he wasn’t a standout.  That’s okay.  I’ll wait.  

We move to another of the four groups.  This one includes Taehoon, Jooan, and Jiseong.  The coaches are hip-hop artists, and this will be a rapping competition.  They have to start by introducing themselves by freestyle rapping.

These coaches are the polar opposite of Mad Clown.  They struggle to find encouraging words for these truly bad performances.  I knew freestyle rapping was difficult, but I didn’t realize how difficult until I watched these trainees try it.  I am impressed with one trainee who is from Russia and raps in English.

Jiseong tells us rapping is what he does best.  I hope he’s right, because it’s his turn.  Thankfully, he’s great.  The coaches look surprised.  They tell him he’s quick-witted and confident. 

Now we find out that these two coaches are the ones who wrote the “Born to be Wild” theme song to the show.  They need rappers for the song.  The next challenge is to rap lyrics for this song, and this time, the trainees are given twenty minutes to prepare.

Even after prep time, Trainee #19 is nervous and keeps losing the beat.  People who think rapping doesn’t really take talent should try it sometime. 

Jiseong’s turn.  Again, he nails it.  We don’t get to hear from the other TAN members in the group.  To my surprise, Jiseong doesn’t win.  Trainee #4 wins by doing something called “melodic rap,” which to my ears is just singing.  It sounds great, but I still insist it was singing and not rapping, so I clearly am not the expert on this either.

On to the next group, which includes Sunghyuk.  This is an exhausting dance competition.  Trainees #30 and #14 are so good that we really don’t see much from anyone else.  Trainee #30 wins.  Sunghyuk may as well not even be there.  

I thought this was where our TAN members would really shine and go up in the rankings.  Now I’m wondering how any of them are going to win.  Is something sinister about to happen?  Are the TAN members going to kill off the other contestants?

The Tower calls everyone back and says it’s time for the next round of rankings.  Oh, joy.  We don’t get to see them, because just like before, the episode ends before they are announced.  I predict that all the TAN members will initially be in the bottom seven, and then the Tower will double the points, divide by Trainee #29’s age, and carry the seven, and then the top spot will be a 44-way tie.  Stay tuned.

Episode 3:  Emerging from the clutter

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Wild Idol, Episode 1: Let’s make the panelists do this instead.

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(Written on April 2, 2024)

Welcome to Wild Idol, a show that appears to be very aware of how hard they have to justify what they are putting these trainees through.  Running several miles prepares them for dancing nonstop at concerts. Doing handsprings prepares them for challenging choreography.  Taking orders from a talking tower in the middle of nowhere prepares them for … (checks notes) dealing with management, maybe?  I don’t know.

It doesn’t really matter.  This show promises us “a competition to survive,” mixing footage of wild animals running and swimming with footage of teenage K-pop trainees doing the same thing.  Be prepared for a LOT of footage like this over thirteen episodes.  But first, for reasons this show refuses to explain, we have to meet our panelists.  Not judges.  Panelists.  Their job is to talk about the show.

These people, all involved in the K-pop industry, sit in a bright, clean, air-conditioned studio made out of LED screens that show nature scenes around them.  They are wearing nice clothes and look very comfortable.  One of the first things they do is complain about the LED images making them dizzy and the fact that they don’t get a table to sit behind.  We’re less than two minutes into the first episode, and already I want to see them airdropped back into their own homes.

We go to our actual wilderness, with our 45 trainees walking single file on a dirt path while drums beat in the distance.  They arrive at the tower.  I recognize it from TAN’s band logo.  I just thought it was a cute little drawing, but it’s actually from their origin story.  I’ve got to hand it to the showrunners – this is a great focal point.  I’m not even going to give it a silly name.  The show calls it “The Tower, the heart of Wild Idol.”

The trainees gather at the base of the Tower.  Their badges only show their numbers, not names.  Trainee #29 makes everyone nervous.  He’s way taller than the rest of them and in very good shape.  In a confessional, he says he’s pretty sure no one can beat him.  (Spoiler alert:  He’s not in TAN, so someone beats him.)

Trainee #31 looks fierce (Jaejun from TAN).  Trainee #17 is an adorable little puppy of a kid (not in TAN).  I do enjoy trying to spot the future TAN members in the crowd and in confessionals.  It’s like playing Battleships.

The drums stop, and we see drones buzzing around the Tower.  A deep, booming voice from the Tower tells the trainees that only those who survive can debut.  The rankings will determine their survival.  First, they must learn the rules.

Rule 1:  They may not ask each other’s names.
Rule 2:  They may not ask each other’s ages. 
Rule 3:  They may not ask each other about anything from their past.
Rule 4:  Trainees can drop out any time they want by taking off their number badge and walking away.

A note about Rule #2:  Knowing people’s ages in South Korea is important.  When South Koreans first meet, one of the first things they tell each other, along with their names, is what year they were born.  That way, they know which titles and honorifics to use with each other.  While not knowing someone’s age is not a big deal for basic communication in American culture, it can make things awkward in South Korea.  The trainees are actually a bit relieved to hear this particular rule, because it puts everyone on a level playing field. 

I will hand it to the showrunners again.  This is a smart move for a show set in the wilderness, where titles and honorifics don’t really matter for survival.

The missions are focused on three categories:

Stamina:  300 points
Talent:  600 points
Online popularity vote:  100 points

All through this, while the Tower is reading the rules and categories, the panelists appear in little pop-up windows and repeat everything like preschool teachers trying to keep us focused.  “Oooh, so they cannot ask each other’s ages!”  “Wooow, so there’s going to be an online poll!”  This is extremely annoying, and I want them off the show.  It doesn’t help that I don’t know who any of them are, but then again, you could have all seven members of BTS on the panel, and if this was all they contributed, I’d find them just as useless.

Back to the show.  We’re starting with a warm-up mission.

Tower:  There are flags planted in the sea behind you.
Panelist 1:  In the sea?
Panelist 2:  Where is the sea, though?  Is it behind them?
Me, at my computer screen:  WOULD YOU SHUT UP?

The trainees will have to run to the sea, which looks about one or two miles away from the Tower.  They will then have to run across a mudflat into water about knee-level, grab a flag with their number on it, and then run back to the Tower with the flag.  The first fourteen trainees to get back to the tower will earn points in the Stamina category.

Our boys are off and running.  Right away, Trainee #22 takes the lead, and it’s Taehoon!  (Redhead from TAN’s “Walking on the Moon” video.)  Trainee #45 eventually overtakes him.  (If I don’t say their names, they’re not in TAN.)  Getting the lead spot is important.  It means that the camera will focus on him, giving him more screen time, which gives him an advantage in the online popularity vote.  Wow, this really is the Hunger Games.

It’s a long run.  Some trainees are stopping to walk.  If they’re this tired already, I don’t know how they’re going to do the water part and then run all the way back.  Jaejun (#31) tells us he considered removing his number tag.  I would have removed mine the second I got off the plane and realized I was in the wilderness, so I’m impressed that any of them made it this far.

Trainee #45 hits the water first.  (“The leading group has arrived at the sea!” one panelist tells us.  Someone please turn off their mics.)  He slogs across the mudflat and through the water to get his flag.  The rest of the pack are right behind him, grabbing their flags. 

Now for the trek back.  The ones bringing up the rear are struggling just to keep walking.  My favorite moment so far is when Trainee #18, who is in last place, says, “Being in 45^th place would be too embarrassing, so I ran to get ahead of at least one person.”  I like how he thinks.  The first time I ran a 5K, I came in dead last behind a pack of runners that included small children and a bunch of drunk frat guys running barefoot.  So I would encourage Trainee #18 to do anything in his power to avoid being last, up to and including tripping the runners ahead of him with his flag.

Trainee #45 gets to the Tower first, a fact that the panelists cheerfully tell me several times.  What I wouldn’t give to have Mad Clown on this panel.  “Yes, Trainee #45 came in first, but he will eventually succumb to the cruel inevitability of time, and he will crumble to dust just like everyone else.  And now, a word from our sponsor, Happy Bath!”

Third place is #22 – our own Taehoon!  After him is our own Changsun, #33!  Changsun is so exhausted that when he plants his flag, the fabric drapes itself over his head, and he’s too tired to move it.  The remaining trainees drag themselves back to the Tower.  This was the warm-up mission, and the group looks ready to collapse. 

The Top 14 get fifty bonus points toward the 300-point Stamina goal.  The one in first place gets 100 points.  “He’s the winner!” says one of the panelists.  You know who else from No Mercy  I’d like to see on this panel?  Grumpy Coach Guy.  This show has no sense of comic potential. 

The Tower tells the trainees they will have a total of three Stamina Missions and four Talent Missions.  The winner in each mission will get double the points and be allowed to reveal their names first. 

This means that Trainee #45 gets to reveal his name.  The panelists react like he’s just been granted immortality.  You know what?  Let’s add Ricky Gervais to the panel.  Just give him a bottle of vodka, explain this show to him, and get the hell out of the way.

A drone flies in with the name badge to replace Trainee #45’s number badge, which I have to admit is pretty cool.  But there is no time to dwell on this.  The Tower announces it’s time for the physical strength mission. The trainees are randomly placed into three groups again.  Each group has to make another long trek to their specific mission location, and then a huge chunk of the episode is spent with these three groups as they go through their challenges.  It drags on a bit, but here are some highlights:

Julien Kang:  This is a French-Canadian white guy who is apparently famous in South Korea, and you know your Korean is bad when someone like me, who only knows a few words in Korean, notices.  The trainees definitely notice and have a hard time keeping a straight face as he barks grammatically incorrect orders at them. 

Taehoon:  Our TAN-bound Trainee #22 is in Julien Kang’s group.  When Kang demands to know if anyone in the group thinks they have a great body, Taehoon raises his hand and says he’s confident in his core.  Kang tells him to step forward and show off his body for ten seconds.  The camera zooms in on his admittedly impressive abs and biceps while Kang nods his approval.  Taehoon is nineteen at the time of filming this, and Kang is in his late thirties.  We may be witnessing something that will put everyone involved on some kind of watch list.

The Panelists:  As trainees drop out one by one during a boulder-lifting-while-doing-squats competition, the panelists tell us that they lack endurance.  Someone toss the panelists a boulder and see how they’d do.  Preferably while they’re looking the other way.

The Panelists, Part 2:  One group of trainees is shown several large logs lying on the ground.  One panelist says, “Are those logs?”  I am seriously starting to lose it.  

Jaejun:  Our future TAN Man #31 sets the first record in holding a position while balancing on the logs.  Another trainee beats his record eventually, but I’m just so proud of our guy.  I’m also proud of …

… Changsun, TAN Trainee #33, who wins the Ocean Shuttle Run, one of the most exhausting things I’ve ever watched while sitting in front of a computer drinking root beer.

The Panelists, Part 3:  They tell us repeatedly that Changsun won the Ocean Shuttle Run.  I want to turn back time, run to wherever that studio is, break in and scream, “We KNOW!  We’re watching the SAME SHOW YOU ARE!”  Seriously, these episodes are ninety minutes long.  We could cut out the panel, get the episodes down to a tight sixty, and still know what’s going on because THEY. CONTRIBUTE. NOTHING.

 Changsun and Jooan:  TAN Trainees #33 and #34 wind up neck-and-neck as they approach the finish line while rolling logs lengthwise across the mudflats.  It’s the most excited I’ve been all show, watching the future bandmates try to get the lead on each other.  It’s so close.  But Jooan slips and falls behind, taking the second place spot.  It’s a bummer, but he’s made a strong impression on the coaches. 

Speaking of Changsun, again:  Since he ends up the overall winner in Group C, he gets a name badge.  He’s the first member of TAN to get one.  

The first Stamina Missions are over.  The trainees are moving on to the next competition.  This whole time, I’ve been wondering how they’ve been able to keep going nonstop, but now I think this must be taking place over several days.  The boys look freshly rested and showered and hair and make-upped after each round.  I’m really curious to see if they sleep in dorms, or if they just sleep out on the open field until Julien Kang screams at them to wake up. 

The trainees return to the Tower, which tells them the rankings will be announced.  I’m excited.  The trainees are excited.  The panelists are hyperventilating and keeling over.  But … we don’t get to see the rankings yet.  We’ll have to wait for Episode Two.  In case you didn’t catch that, the panelists will complain about it for several minutes.  The episode ends with them jabbering away.  I hate them so much.

Episode 2:  The Tower is messing with us.

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