Wild Idol, Episode 1: Let’s make the panelists do this instead.

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(Written on April 2, 2024)

Welcome to Wild Idol, a show that appears to be very aware of how hard they have to justify what they are putting these trainees through.  Running several miles prepares them for dancing nonstop at concerts. Doing handsprings prepares them for challenging choreography.  Taking orders from a talking tower in the middle of nowhere prepares them for … (checks notes) dealing with management, maybe?  I don’t know.

It doesn’t really matter.  This show promises us “a competition to survive,” mixing footage of wild animals running and swimming with footage of teenage K-pop trainees doing the same thing.  Be prepared for a LOT of footage like this over thirteen episodes.  But first, for reasons this show refuses to explain, we have to meet our panelists.  Not judges.  Panelists.  Their job is to talk about the show.

These people, all involved in the K-pop industry, sit in a bright, clean, air-conditioned studio made out of LED screens that show nature scenes around them.  They are wearing nice clothes and look very comfortable.  One of the first things they do is complain about the LED images making them dizzy and the fact that they don’t get a table to sit behind.  We’re less than two minutes into the first episode, and already I want to see them airdropped back into their own homes.

We go to our actual wilderness, with our 45 trainees walking single file on a dirt path while drums beat in the distance.  They arrive at the tower.  I recognize it from TAN’s band logo.  I just thought it was a cute little drawing, but it’s actually from their origin story.  I’ve got to hand it to the showrunners – this is a great focal point.  I’m not even going to give it a silly name.  The show calls it “The Tower, the heart of Wild Idol.”

The trainees gather at the base of the Tower.  Their badges only show their numbers, not names.  Trainee #29 makes everyone nervous.  He’s way taller than the rest of them and in very good shape.  In a confessional, he says he’s pretty sure no one can beat him.  (Spoiler alert:  He’s not in TAN, so someone beats him.)

Trainee #31 looks fierce (Jaejun from TAN).  Trainee #17 is an adorable little puppy of a kid (not in TAN).  I do enjoy trying to spot the future TAN members in the crowd and in confessionals.  It’s like playing Battleships.

The drums stop, and we see drones buzzing around the Tower.  A deep, booming voice from the Tower tells the trainees that only those who survive can debut.  The rankings will determine their survival.  First, they must learn the rules.

Rule 1:  They may not ask each other’s names.
Rule 2:  They may not ask each other’s ages. 
Rule 3:  They may not ask each other about anything from their past.
Rule 4:  Trainees can drop out any time they want by taking off their number badge and walking away.

A note about Rule #2:  Knowing people’s ages in South Korea is important.  When South Koreans first meet, one of the first things they tell each other, along with their names, is what year they were born.  That way, they know which titles and honorifics to use with each other.  While not knowing someone’s age is not a big deal for basic communication in American culture, it can make things awkward in South Korea.  The trainees are actually a bit relieved to hear this particular rule, because it puts everyone on a level playing field. 

I will hand it to the showrunners again.  This is a smart move for a show set in the wilderness, where titles and honorifics don’t really matter for survival.

The missions are focused on three categories:

Stamina:  300 points
Talent:  600 points
Online popularity vote:  100 points

All through this, while the Tower is reading the rules and categories, the panelists appear in little pop-up windows and repeat everything like preschool teachers trying to keep us focused.  “Oooh, so they cannot ask each other’s ages!”  “Wooow, so there’s going to be an online poll!”  This is extremely annoying, and I want them off the show.  It doesn’t help that I don’t know who any of them are, but then again, you could have all seven members of BTS on the panel, and if this was all they contributed, I’d find them just as useless.

Back to the show.  We’re starting with a warm-up mission.

Tower:  There are flags planted in the sea behind you.
Panelist 1:  In the sea?
Panelist 2:  Where is the sea, though?  Is it behind them?
Me, at my computer screen:  WOULD YOU SHUT UP?

The trainees will have to run to the sea, which looks about one or two miles away from the Tower.  They will then have to run across a mudflat into water about knee-level, grab a flag with their number on it, and then run back to the Tower with the flag.  The first fourteen trainees to get back to the tower will earn points in the Stamina category.

Our boys are off and running.  Right away, Trainee #22 takes the lead, and it’s Taehoon!  (Redhead from TAN’s “Walking on the Moon” video.)  Trainee #45 eventually overtakes him.  (If I don’t say their names, they’re not in TAN.)  Getting the lead spot is important.  It means that the camera will focus on him, giving him more screen time, which gives him an advantage in the online popularity vote.  Wow, this really is the Hunger Games.

It’s a long run.  Some trainees are stopping to walk.  If they’re this tired already, I don’t know how they’re going to do the water part and then run all the way back.  Jaejun (#31) tells us he considered removing his number tag.  I would have removed mine the second I got off the plane and realized I was in the wilderness, so I’m impressed that any of them made it this far.

Trainee #45 hits the water first.  (“The leading group has arrived at the sea!” one panelist tells us.  Someone please turn off their mics.)  He slogs across the mudflat and through the water to get his flag.  The rest of the pack are right behind him, grabbing their flags. 

Now for the trek back.  The ones bringing up the rear are struggling just to keep walking.  My favorite moment so far is when Trainee #18, who is in last place, says, “Being in 45^th place would be too embarrassing, so I ran to get ahead of at least one person.”  I like how he thinks.  The first time I ran a 5K, I came in dead last behind a pack of runners that included small children and a bunch of drunk frat guys running barefoot.  So I would encourage Trainee #18 to do anything in his power to avoid being last, up to and including tripping the runners ahead of him with his flag.

Trainee #45 gets to the Tower first, a fact that the panelists cheerfully tell me several times.  What I wouldn’t give to have Mad Clown on this panel.  “Yes, Trainee #45 came in first, but he will eventually succumb to the cruel inevitability of time, and he will crumble to dust just like everyone else.  And now, a word from our sponsor, Happy Bath!”

Third place is #22 – our own Taehoon!  After him is our own Changsun, #33!  Changsun is so exhausted that when he plants his flag, the fabric drapes itself over his head, and he’s too tired to move it.  The remaining trainees drag themselves back to the Tower.  This was the warm-up mission, and the group looks ready to collapse. 

The Top 14 get fifty bonus points toward the 300-point Stamina goal.  The one in first place gets 100 points.  “He’s the winner!” says one of the panelists.  You know who else from No Mercy  I’d like to see on this panel?  Grumpy Coach Guy.  This show has no sense of comic potential. 

The Tower tells the trainees they will have a total of three Stamina Missions and four Talent Missions.  The winner in each mission will get double the points and be allowed to reveal their names first. 

This means that Trainee #45 gets to reveal his name.  The panelists react like he’s just been granted immortality.  You know what?  Let’s add Ricky Gervais to the panel.  Just give him a bottle of vodka, explain this show to him, and get the hell out of the way.

A drone flies in with the name badge to replace Trainee #45’s number badge, which I have to admit is pretty cool.  But there is no time to dwell on this.  The Tower announces it’s time for the physical strength mission. The trainees are randomly placed into three groups again.  Each group has to make another long trek to their specific mission location, and then a huge chunk of the episode is spent with these three groups as they go through their challenges.  It drags on a bit, but here are some highlights:

Julien Kang:  This is a French-Canadian white guy who is apparently famous in South Korea, and you know your Korean is bad when someone like me, who only knows a few words in Korean, notices.  The trainees definitely notice and have a hard time keeping a straight face as he barks grammatically incorrect orders at them. 

Taehoon:  Our TAN-bound Trainee #22 is in Julien Kang’s group.  When Kang demands to know if anyone in the group thinks they have a great body, Taehoon raises his hand and says he’s confident in his core.  Kang tells him to step forward and show off his body for ten seconds.  The camera zooms in on his admittedly impressive abs and biceps while Kang nods his approval.  Taehoon is nineteen at the time of filming this, and Kang is in his late thirties.  We may be witnessing something that will put everyone involved on some kind of watch list.

The Panelists:  As trainees drop out one by one during a boulder-lifting-while-doing-squats competition, the panelists tell us that they lack endurance.  Someone toss the panelists a boulder and see how they’d do.  Preferably while they’re looking the other way.

The Panelists, Part 2:  One group of trainees is shown several large logs lying on the ground.  One panelist says, “Are those logs?”  I am seriously starting to lose it.  

Jaejun:  Our future TAN Man #31 sets the first record in holding a position while balancing on the logs.  Another trainee beats his record eventually, but I’m just so proud of our guy.  I’m also proud of …

… Changsun, TAN Trainee #33, who wins the Ocean Shuttle Run, one of the most exhausting things I’ve ever watched while sitting in front of a computer drinking root beer.

The Panelists, Part 3:  They tell us repeatedly that Changsun won the Ocean Shuttle Run.  I want to turn back time, run to wherever that studio is, break in and scream, “We KNOW!  We’re watching the SAME SHOW YOU ARE!”  Seriously, these episodes are ninety minutes long.  We could cut out the panel, get the episodes down to a tight sixty, and still know what’s going on because THEY. CONTRIBUTE. NOTHING.

 Changsun and Jooan:  TAN Trainees #33 and #34 wind up neck-and-neck as they approach the finish line while rolling logs lengthwise across the mudflats.  It’s the most excited I’ve been all show, watching the future bandmates try to get the lead on each other.  It’s so close.  But Jooan slips and falls behind, taking the second place spot.  It’s a bummer, but he’s made a strong impression on the coaches. 

Speaking of Changsun, again:  Since he ends up the overall winner in Group C, he gets a name badge.  He’s the first member of TAN to get one.  

The first Stamina Missions are over.  The trainees are moving on to the next competition.  This whole time, I’ve been wondering how they’ve been able to keep going nonstop, but now I think this must be taking place over several days.  The boys look freshly rested and showered and hair and make-upped after each round.  I’m really curious to see if they sleep in dorms, or if they just sleep out on the open field until Julien Kang screams at them to wake up. 

The trainees return to the Tower, which tells them the rankings will be announced.  I’m excited.  The trainees are excited.  The panelists are hyperventilating and keeling over.  But … we don’t get to see the rankings yet.  We’ll have to wait for Episode Two.  In case you didn’t catch that, the panelists will complain about it for several minutes.  The episode ends with them jabbering away.  I hate them so much.

Episode 2:  The Tower is messing with us.

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