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(Written April 4, 2024)
A couple of housekeeping items before we get started. First, it’s really weird how Korean media doesn’t want to tell us exactly where this show takes place. Every article I found just calls it “the wilderness.” But the show does use location dots on an unmarked topography map, which I used as a reference, and I think we’re in the northern part of the Sobaek Mountain Range, roughly 120 miles from Seoul. This show just made me do geography homework, and in this episode, it’s going to try to make me do math. I’m on to you, Wild Idol.
Secondly, the only way I’m going to keep my sanity while recapping this is by ignoring the panelists. If they happen to say anything useful, I’ll mention it, which probably means I will not be mentioning them ever again.
Back at it! We pick up where we left off, with the Tower announcing the rankings. This part took me a while to figure out. As preparation for the first episode, I wrote the badge number of each band member on a group photo and kept it with my notes. It helps that Korea uses the same numeric symbols English speakers do, so when the Tower displays the rankings, I can just match the numbers to find our TAN members. But one of them no longer has a badge number, so his Korean name is displayed in Korean (the nerve), and I had to wait for the Tower to tell me how he ranked. I spent several minutes pausing the show while I matched numbers to names like a gambling addict at a racetrack betting window. I can say with one hundred percent certainty that this show has too many contestants.
# 2: Changsun
# 3: Jooan
# 9: Taehoon
# 16: Jaejun
# 25: Sunghyuk
# 29: Hyunyeop
# 33: Jiseong
This is the first of two ranking sessions we will have in this episode. This one was easy compared to the one we’ll have later, which will either trigger your math anxiety or make you wonder if someone spilled banana milk on the Tower’s circuit board. Something to look forward to.
Until then, we are back to the strength and endurance challenges, and the groups are rotating. Which means we’ll get to see Julien Kang being weird to a whole different group of teenage boys. Yay.
Highlights from these challenges:
Trainee #40: Some of these non-TAN trainees are amazing, and I don’t know how they will wind up getting eliminated. Trainee #40 is doing impressively well and earns a name badge. So far, he’s set the record in the L-Sit competition while balancing on logs. After this kid does get eliminated, I hope he trains for the Olympics.
Julien Kang: This guy manages to get even creepier. Just like before, he asks the trainees which one of them thinks they have the best body. No one responds. (I like to think Taehoon warned them.) When he can’t get a volunteer, he points to Trainees #24 and #29, telling them to come to the front. “When you’re an idol singer, you have to show off your body,” he tells them, echoing what his attorney will be telling the cops after this show airs.
The two trainees remove their shirts and flex while everyone applauds. I’m going to have to remove all traces of my Kocowa streaming account after watching this.
Sunghyuk: He kills it in the stone push-ups, beating the previous record by doing 109 of them. He becomes the second TAN member to get a name badge.
The Bickering Brothers: When we return to the sea, the new group has to compete in deeper water than the previous group because the water level rose overnight. Our trainees agree to endure. I said this in the No Mercy recaps, and I’ll say it again: if these were American contestants, there would be lawsuits. This group has to do the Ocean Shuttle Run in water up to their thighs. They’d be faster just swimming it.
The coaches running this
competition are brothers. Brother #1 tries
to demonstrate how the race works, but he can’t beat the buzzer because the
water is too deep. Brother #2 says he
didn’t do it right, and they start arguing in front of the trainees. Then Brother #2 decides to show his idiot Brother
#1 how it’s done, but he can’t do it either, so out of embarrassment and
frustration, he yells that they’re just going to shorten the distance of the
run. I feel confident in predicting that
this will be one of my top three favorite moments of the entire series.
Taehoon: In this
shortened shuttle run, as other trainees drop out to keep from drowning, he is
one of the last three to keep going. He
stops to pull up a competitor who has fallen.
The fallen trainee tells him to keep going and drops out. As Taehoon and his last competitor battle it
out, the other one falls. Again, Taehoon pulls him to his feet. The race continues. I’m so happy when Taehoon wins. Not only did he beat fourteen other runners
in deep water and heavy, waterlogged clothes, he showed total
sportsmanship. He earns the nickname
“Loyal Trainee.”
Taehoon, Part 2: He also wins the log-flipping race that Jooan and Changsun almost tied in the previous episode. Taehoon becomes the third TAN member to get a name badge and gets teary-eyed when the coach places it on his chest. He is one of the kindest people on Earth and must be protected at all costs.
With the challenges now over, we get a night scene. The Tower looks totally badass at night. The trainees gather around it while the drums beat again, and I sincerely hope these boys are slathered in mosquito repellent.
The Tower
tells us that if the trainees don’t make it to the Top 14 for the debut group,
they will be eliminated. We are getting
rankings again. I take out my band
member chart. The Tower makes this a
little confusing by giving the rankings out of order. Don’t worry, it’s about to get a lot more
confusing.
Taehoon ties with another
trainee for 4th place.
Jooan ties with another
trainee for 11th place.
Changsun gets second place.
This doesn’t make sense. Only three TAN members are in the Top 14. Hyunyeop is at 16, JaeJun is at 20, Jiseong is at 30, and Sunghyuk is at 17. If only the Top 14 can continue, I don’t understand how these rules work.
Now the Tower tells us that this ranking was done before adding in the double points for the overall winners in the different categories. When those get added in, the whole ranking list changes significantly. Also, no one is getting eliminated right now, so just forget being told that everyone outside the Top 14 will be eliminated, and this is where I threw my pen at the wall and my reference photo in the trash and gave up on the rankings. All we need to know is that the members of TAN will eventually be ranked one through seven and win this thing. Also, math sucks and I hate the Tower.
Moving on.
We now see
the sleeping arrangements. The trainees
are sleeping in tents. This is
hardcore. The next morning, Sunghyuk and
Taehoon are the first to wake up, stretching their sore muscles. Suddenly, just a few yards away, the Tower
lights up, and the drums start beating again.
Sunghyuk takes off like a shot towards the Tower with a confused Taehoon
running behind. Inside the tents, the
other trainees are jolted awake. They
struggle to their feet and stumble off in the direction of the Tower, which is
probably about to announce that it forgot to divide the rankings by Pi and
needs to start over again.
The four strength and endurance coaches, including the Bickering Brothers and Julien Kang, arrive and announce that the trainees have to run one and a half miles before breakfast. These kids are going to be more than ready when it’s time for their military service. They run all the way to the sea and are ordered to wade into knee-high freezing cold water, where they splash around, trying to warm up. I’m guessing this is how they’re getting a shower every day. Then they stand as a group in the water, meditating while watching the sun rise. It’s a peaceful scene and beautifully shot.
The serenity doesn’t last. We cut back to the tents, and Trainee #23 is curled up alone with his head on his knees. He’s one of the trainees who earned a name badge the previous day, but now he just looks defeated. He tells us he woke up with a leg injury from the previous day. He’s limping when he finally emerges from the tent. He has decided to follow Rule Number Four. He limps up to the Tower, sadly pulls off his name badge, drops it on the ground, and walks away.
This is heartbreaking. He’s not just leaving a reality show. He’s leaving a chance to debut after making a promising start. But I understand. If he keeps going and makes the injury more serious, he may have to abandon his dream altogether. Better to live to dance another day.
Back by the sea, the others
are having a healthy breakfast of chicken, rice, and vegetables. I can’t imagine eating that first thing in
the morning, but then again, I’m an overly sugared and caffeinated
Westerner. I think the last time I ate
vegetables was when I ordered coleslaw with my Bojangles order.
They return to the Tower, 44 of them now, where they are told it’s time for the Talent Missions. They are split into four groups. Our first group walks out to a clearing and are met by two famous Korean singers I don’t know. Hyunyeop is a bit starstruck because he loves one of their songs. This group will be tested on their vocals. Outside. Without the chance to warm up. They do at least get music.
Trainee #32 sings first. He starts nervous and a little off-key, but then he shakes it off and sings beautifully. He sets the bar high. Or so I thought. The coaches have a lot of criticism about his vocal technique, which shows what I know.
Trainee #29 is the tall, muscular one who had everyone intimidated in the first episode. He also sings beautifully, and this time the coaches agree with me. However, one of the coaches makes the mistake of asking the trainee his age, which is against Rule #2, and I can’t believe the production team didn’t stop right there and tell the trainee not to answer. He does answer in front of everyone – he’s 22 years old, which is surprising because he looks older. He’s also one of the best singers in the group. He ties with Trainee #28 in first place. Both get name badges.
Our own Hyunyeop (#9) was in this group, and we didn’t get to hear him sing. Since he doesn’t place, I’m guessing he wasn’t a standout. That’s okay. I’ll wait.
We move to another of the four groups. This one includes Taehoon, Jooan, and Jiseong. The coaches are hip-hop artists, and this will be a rapping competition. They have to start by introducing themselves by freestyle rapping.
These coaches are the polar opposite of Mad Clown. They struggle to find encouraging words for these truly bad performances. I knew freestyle rapping was difficult, but I didn’t realize how difficult until I watched these trainees try it. I am impressed with one trainee who is from Russia and raps in English.
Jiseong tells us rapping is what he does best. I hope he’s right, because it’s his turn. Thankfully, he’s great. The coaches look surprised. They tell him he’s quick-witted and confident.
Now we find out that these two coaches are the ones who wrote the “Born to be Wild” theme song to the show. They need rappers for the song. The next challenge is to rap lyrics for this song, and this time, the trainees are given twenty minutes to prepare.
Even after prep time, Trainee #19 is nervous and keeps losing the beat. People who think rapping doesn’t really take talent should try it sometime.
Jiseong’s turn. Again, he nails it. We don’t get to hear from the other TAN members in the group. To my surprise, Jiseong doesn’t win. Trainee #4 wins by doing something called “melodic rap,” which to my ears is just singing. It sounds great, but I still insist it was singing and not rapping, so I clearly am not the expert on this either.
On to the next group, which
includes Sunghyuk. This is an exhausting
dance competition. Trainees #30 and #14
are so good that we really don’t see much from anyone else. Trainee #30 wins. Sunghyuk may as well not even be there.
I thought this was where our TAN members would really shine and go up in the rankings. Now I’m wondering how any of them are going to win. Is something sinister about to happen? Are the TAN members going to kill off the other contestants?
The Tower calls everyone back
and says it’s time for the next round of rankings. Oh, joy.
We don’t get to see them, because just like before, the episode ends
before they are announced. I predict
that all the TAN members will initially be in the bottom seven, and then the
Tower will double the points, divide by Trainee #29’s age, and carry the seven,
and then the top spot will be a 44-way tie.
Stay tuned.
Episode 3: Emerging from the clutter
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