An update on What’s-Their-Names

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(written on January 14, 2024)

A few weeks ago, I wrote about a K-pop band that I love so much, I refuse to learn anything about them.  They are called TAN.  Here is a picture of the boys, whoever they are.

Yes, they are adorable, bless their nameless little hearts. 

TAN has been in the news lately, which has made it difficult to maintain my willful ignorance about them.  Still, I manage.  When I see individual band member names appear in the news reports, I take comfort in not making any effort to match the name to the face.  I do find it puzzling that some media outlets, both American and Korean, will capitalize their names like corporate acronyms.  (“’It is such an amazing honor to be a part of this mission,’ says member SUNGHYUK.”)

The mission that SUNGHYUK is talking about involves Celestis, a company that launched a memorial spaceflight from Cape Canaveral just a few days ago, on January 8^th.  According to the article, this is one of those shuttles where you can send your loved one’s ashes into space.  This particular shuttle included a recording of TAN’s song “Walking on the Moon.”  Which, for all my cynicism, I think is pretty cool.  I like the fact that if there are aliens out there who intercept the shuttle, after they sift through all the human remains in what I can only imagine will be complete confusion and possibly disgust, they will hear K-pop for the first time.  I hope it fills them with the same kind of joy it brings me, along with the desire to forgive us for sending them our dead people dirt and resist the urge to send something worse back.  Seriously, we humans are just bewildering sometimes.

So let’s talk about “Walking on the Moon.”

I really wish the official music video for the song had been sent instead of just the audio.  When I first heard the song, it didn’t really hook me until after repeated listens, and the reason I kept listening was because of the video.  For starters, I love the choreography, especially the “five, four, three, two, one” countdown on their fingers before the chorus kicks in.

But the best part of this video is the storyline, an unrequited crush that a high school boy has on one of his classmates – another high school boy.  It’s so beautifully filmed, it melts my sappy little K-pop heart.

We don’t get our first clue about the crush until after the first chorus.  I mean, we sort of get a clue in the opening scenes, but it’s easy to miss.  The band members are playing the high school boys, and they walk through a classroom with a big picture of the moon drawn on the chalkboard.  And since the boy with the crush and the boy he crushes on are both members of the band, and I’m trying to avoid learning their names, I’ll just call them Dreamer and Redhead. 

When the boys are walking through the classroom, Redhead is standing in the middle of the room, staring intently at the drawing.  Then we get a shot of Dreamer also staring intently, and it’s easy to assume he’s also staring at the drawing.  It’s wasn’t until I saw the video a couple of times that I realized he’s staring at Redhead.

So that’s it for the first verse.  We get some standard high school shots of the boys playing basketball, some great shots of the boys dancing in what looks like mussed-up school uniforms, and then the chorus.  I don’t know why I wasn’t really into the song the first few times I heard it, but I love it now.  It’s a groove with the dreamy vibe of falling in love.  It just took a while to click with me.

OK, so now the boys are in the bleachers, and I guess they’re watching a game.  Redhead is really into the game.  Dreamer is really into Redhead.

A bit of criticism here.  These boys are great singers and dancers, but Dreamer is not the best face actor.  When I first saw his expression as he stared at Redhead, I was not getting “crush” vibes.  I was getting “identifying the guy who stole your wallet in a police lineup” vibes.  I’m guessing that we were supposed to be getting a “love at first sight” expression, but the reason that didn’t occur to me was that we’ve already watched these two play basketball and stare at things in a classroom.  In the video’s timeline, they’ve already met.

Second verse.  The boys are playing basketball outside again in their school uniforms.  I did cheat a bit and watch a “making of” video, and the band members said they didn’t choreograph anything here.  They just played basketball while the cameras rolled.  This makes me happy because the guys look like real friends having a great time.  These scenes are fun to watch.

The boys are getting hot and sweaty playing outside.  This is when we get the shot introducing what comes next, containing no sexual innuendo/symbolism at all, we swear:

Really, totally innocent.  I’m sure environmentally conscious schools leave their outdoor faucets running at full blast for no reason all the time.  And good thing, because Dreamer and Redhead need to cool off.  They start splashing water on themselves.  Then they start playfully splashing each other.  It builds and builds until Dreamer GETS HOLD OF A HOSE and we SWEAR there’s no sexual symbolism meant here, really, just LOOK AND SEE FOR YOURSELF:

And then we get another stare from Dreamer, and the first time I watched this video, this was the first time I realized that Dreamer had a crush on Redhead.

Either that, or he’s really constipated.  Also, how is Redhead not noticing this?  I understand him missing the stare in the bleachers since there was a game going on and their friends were sitting between them, but now these two are just inches from each other, and Redhead is still obsessed with the hose instead of wondering why his friend has suddenly gone quiet.  I think maybe Dreamer should check out boys at other schools with higher admission standards.

We build back up to the chorus, again with the “five, four, three, two, one” choreography that looks so damn cool every time I see it.  Honestly, how are we not sending this entire video to the aliens?  I would pay anything to see alien beings imitating the dance on whatever they call their version of TikTok.  Assuming they have fingers.

I will never get tired of this choreography.

OK.  So.  Back to the chorus.  A lot of footage of the boys dancing, footage of them playing basketball, and may I just say that Redhead looks so effortlessly chill and sexy in this shot:

A few seconds after this image, we see the guys dancing, and Redhead reaches around Dreamer and does one long stroke up his arm.  It’s a quick and subtle move, but it does make me catch my breath.

We get a very sweet scene after this.  I guess it’s the lunch hour, and Redhead has fallen asleep with his head on his desk.  He’s next to a window, and the sunlight is shining full on his face.  Dreamer sees him and closes the curtain over the window so his crush can sleep without the glare.  Redhead opens his eyes and sees this.  We do not see his reaction.

Remember the drawing of the moon on the chalkboard?  Yeah, I’ve been so caught up in the love story plot that I completely forgot to mention all the moon imagery in this video.  Redhead appears to be the science nerd type who is obsessed with the moon.  Dreamer knows this, and he decides to make his move.  He sets up a telescope on the roof of the school, because apparently these kids never go to actual classes and have all kinds of free time to sleep, dance, play basketball, have water fights with a hose in ways that are, again, NOT AT ALL SEXUALLY SUGGESTIVE, and lug very expensive lab equipment up the stairs and on the roof.  The personal injury insurance premiums for this school must be completely insane.

Once he’s got the telescope set up, Redhead appears, and I am actually getting all giddy about this.  I’m pretty sure the first time I saw this video and got to this point, I was saying, out loud, “oh my god oh my god oh my god!!!”

Dreamer is glad to see him.  My toes curl.

And then….

Their dumbass friends show up.

Again, this school does not seem to have high admission standards.  It’s been established in earlier shots that the friends do notice Dreamer gazing at Redhead.  Yet they’re still barging in on the couple.  I’m not sure they are capable of figuring this out, and I refuse to believe they all want to look through the telescope unless there’s a girl’s school across the street having a power yoga class.

Dreamer looks dejected, but then he summons the will to go on.  He invites everyone to gather around the telescope.  I’m hoping he’s going to shove the friends off the roof, but no.

Here’s how much I love this band and this video.  I refuse to accept the final scene, where the friends barge in, as canon.  Every time I watch this video, I stop it at the scene where Redhead walks out on the roof, and Dreamer lights up at seeing him.  This is the end of the video.  It just is.  Dreamer makes his move, Redhead likes him back, and the two of them live happily ever after while their friends repeat the tenth grade for the fifth time. 

We need to warn the aliens about this as well, in case we send the video up with the next dead person shuttle.  Just attach a note to the flash drive that says, “Stop the video at the 3:26 mark.  The rest is just YouTube ads for Audible and HelloFresh.  Trust us.  I know we keep sending you the remains of the dead relatives we don’t feel like burying, but we do mean well in this case.”

We could also ask the aliens to send back their videos imitating the dance. Five four three two one … That’s just cool in any galaxy.

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