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(Written on March 17, 2024)
The name of this episode is “Rankings After the 1st Debut Mission!” Someone needs to talk to No Mercy about their show titles. To steal an old joke, it’s like naming The Wizard of Oz “Kansas girl gets new shoes!”
I’m gearing up
for the new rankings, but it’s not time yet.
We still haven’t heard from Kwangji.
He’s a rapper, and after seeing Jooheon’s and #GUN’s performances, I’m
sure he’d rather just sneak out of the theater and get a jump on his military
service.
We flash back to rehearsals. We learn that Kwangji keeps a stash of candy in his locker, and the other trainees are always stealing it. Awww, that’s cute. Cut to a lesson with all four rappers. Mr. Grumpy Expert is back, and I’m glad because he’s starting to grow on me.
Kwangji tells us in a confessional that he really wants to win this competition. I know he’s not going to win, so I try distracting myself by brainstorming future projects for Mr. Grumpy Expert. He could advertise noise-cancelling headphones or those squeeze toys for stressed out people. Wait – sour candy! He can team up with Kwangji on that!
Flashback is over. Kwangji does his rap number for the
judges. It’s not bad. The judges like that he has a different style
from the other rappers. I agree with
that assessment at first, but then Judge Hyolyn has the nerve to say that she
found his performance more chilling than Jooheon’s. Based on Jooheon’s reaction, he and I are on
the same page.
Oh God, are there still more performances? Get to the rankings already! This show has a pacing problem. Fine. Next up is Minkyun (not to be confused with Minhyuk). He says his best feature is his smile. Great. His smile can team up with Wonho’s abs and they can start their own group. Please just get to the rankings. Wait – Yoosu hasn’t performed yet either? Okay. Settle in, folks. This is the bad part about already knowing who wins.
Flashback to Minkyun in rehearsal, and our usually encouraging vocal coach seems as fed up as I am. He says Minkyun sounds like a mosquito when he sings, which is probably the meanest thing any of the experts have said yet. I like to think he’s a fellow Monsta X fan from the future who just wants the debut album and an LED light stick already. Monsta X does have really cool light sticks.
Minkyun now sings for the judges. He does sound like a mosquito. We only get a few seconds of his performance. The judges HATE it. Hyolyn says, “I heard so many notes that I couldn’t even tell if they were sharp or flat.” The library is open, and this girl is reading.
Next up is 21-year-old Yoosu. Right away, the judges ask him how he feels about being ranked Number Twelve, which I’m sure he’s not at all sick of hearing at this point.
Yoosu sings a sad ballad. He’s actually pretty good. I’m surprised that he was ranked last, and based on the judges’ reactions, so are they. How did Minkyun the Mosquito get ranked six slots above this guy? The judges have mixed feedback, but overall, I don’t think he’s being cut today. We should know soon, unless there are even more trainees I’ve forgotten about. (checking my notes) Nope. We’re done.
At last, the judges debate. The desk is blurred, so we can’t get clues on how they’re deciding. I am really excited about this.
It’s time. The trainees file back out onto the stage. The judges tell them the rankings have changed drastically. Then one judge twists the knife by asking the group who they think Number One is.
Some of the
trainees look ready to pull a gun on the judges and take the rankings by
force. I would drive the getaway car.
The smartass judge then says, “First place goes to … Hyolyn will tell you.” Seriously, DOES NO ONE ON THAT STAGE HAVE A GUN?
Probably sensing their lives are in danger, the judges finally give us the new rankings.
#1 Slot – Jooheon! I am very happy, not only because I was rooting for him, but because I think he’ll handle the pressure of the top slot better than Shownu did. I can just hear Shownu’s blood pressure settling back to non-fatal levels. We get a confessional clip with Jooheon, and true to form, he shows off his new badge and says “See this number one? It’s mine. I’m going to guard it now.” God, he’s just the best.
#2 Slot: Shownu. I think this is perfect. High enough that he can still hold his head up. Low enough that he can stop walking around looking like a newbie in the prison yard.
#3 Slot: #GUN. I’m a little surprised that he ranked below Shownu, but he’s still going out fighting. I know he won’t win in the end, but I’m rooting for him anyway.
#4 Slot: Kihyun. Up four slots. Yes. Well-deserved.
#5 Slot: Kwangji. OK, fine. Good for him.
#6 Slot:
Yoonho. Down one
slot. I’m getting nervous because three
more future Monsta X members, the visually shocking ones who looked great but
performed badly, are going to get low rankings again.
#7 Slot: Hyungwon. Up two slots. Okay, so the judges saw a little something more in him this time. Come on, you loveable enigmatic dweeb.
#8 Slot: Yoosu. Up four slots. I’m happy that he’s no longer dead last. He didn’t deserve to be.
#9 Slot: Minkyun. WHAT. The mosquito guy the judges hated? How is he not in last place? I was counting on him ranking dead last as a buffer for the remaining Monsta X members. I know Wonho and Minhyuk gave disappointing performances, but they were WAY better than Minkyun. Minkyun looks shocked. I’m right there with you, my guy.
#10 Slot: Wonho and his abs. I’m still fuming about Minkyun. The judge tells Wonho to his face that he has failed completely by dropping six slots. I want to tell that judge that he has failed completely to remember that MINKYUN SUCKED WORSE.
Then the last two slots. Future Monsta X fan favorite Minhyuk falls to #11, and Seokwon falls to #12.
Poor Minhyuk looks miserable. But it gets worse. The judge actually asks him what he has to say for himself. Minhyuk wipes away tears.
YOU. MADE. MINHYUK. CRY.
BURN. IN. HELL. YOU.
STUPID. SHOW.
I am broken.
I need a minute.
Okay. It’s fine. I’m fine. I said I’m fine.
The judges dismiss the trainees. The trainees close ranks around Minhyuk, hugging him, patting him on the back, and giving him words of encouragement.
Everyone returns to the dorm, looking exhausted. Even Kihyun looks upset. He’s disappointed because he wanted Slot 2 or 3. Dude, you were up against Jooheon and #GUN, and you still went up four slots. The performance you gave will go viral, and fans are still raving about it almost ten years later. Just breathe already.
The trainees sit in a circle and talk. Minhyuk can only think about his parents and how disappointed they must be. He says he’s so grateful that they take care of him. I just want to climb through the screen and tell him his parents will see all their patience rewarded when this is over. I found a recent interview he did with online K-pop magazine Koreaboo, in which he says he bought his mom a car. Yes, I’m searching for any current good news I can find about him on the internet so I can feel better right now.
We get a flashback to the theater, when the rankings have been announced and everyone is consoling Minhyuk. They get a surprise visit from K-pop idol Soyou. She gives words of encouragement to those with low rankings and tells everyone to prepare for the second mission – a song release.
She explains the project. They will team up in pairs. Each team will prepare a performance. The catch is that each performance will be a one-on-one battle. Only one trainee from each team will be safe from elimination in this round. The other person will be in danger of being cut. At the end of the mission, one rapper and one vocalist will be cut.
All I can think is please please please don’t team up Jooheon and #GUN. They will kill each other.
There’s more. The rapper with the highest rank will release a song with Hyolyn and K-pop idol SanE. The vocalist with the highest rank will release a song with Soyou herself and fellow K-pop idol Giriboy. This is big.
Back to the trainees in the dorm. The initial high of discussing the new mission has worn off as they remember that two of them will be going home. #GUN makes a good point: how are the teams supposed to work together, knowing the goal is to destroy each other? I agree. Won’t the teammates just try to sabotage each other instead of coming up with a good performance? Let’s put a pin in that.
I’m grumpy at this point, so I don’t really care what Minkyun the Mosquito has to say, but he’s going to talk anyway. In a confessional, he says he wants to be paired with someone he can beat, like Soekwon or Yoosu. Big words for someone who shouldn’t be here in the first place. Someone get me a can of Raid.
On to the practice rooms the next day. The trainees come in and see the pairings posted on the wall.
Shownu vs. Kihyun. This is an interesting pairing, as Shownu is the future leader of Monsta X, also referred to as the dad of the group, and Kihyun is the mom of the group.
Jooheon vs. #GUN. I was afraid of this. There will be blood on that stage.
Minhyuk vs. Soekwon. Time for Minhyuk to rise from the ashes.
Minkyun vs. Yoosu. Here, Yoosu. You can have my can of Raid.
Kwangji vs. Yoonho. Both rappers. Neither are in Monsta X. I don’t have a dog in this fight.
Wonho vs. Hyungwon. Noooo. These two go on to be such good friends when they’re in Monsta X. I don’t want to see them battle each other, even though I know they will both win the series.
The trainees assess the situation. They agree that the team to watch will be
Shownu and Kihyun. Sure, I guess that
will be a nice distraction while the paramedics are scraping whatever’s left of
Jooheon and #GUN off the stage after their battle. Those two rappers are already squaring off in
the practice room.
Next up, Mosquito and Yoosu. They’re trying to pick a song. They start arguing. #GUN was right. These pairs are made up of artists with two entirely different styles. They’re going to fight for their own style and try to sabotage each other. In most cases, there are no songs that can accommodate the both of them. It’s like telling Ted Nugent and Barry Manilow to come up with a song they can do together.
Suddenly, it’s D-Day 2. That was fast. I’m glad they’ve picked up the pace. The trainees pull up to the site, and it’s
not a fancy theater like before. It’s a
shipping yard full of storage buildings.
No Mercy has built a club stage in one of the warehouses. This is a great place to do battle. Then they make it even better by lighting
fires behind the stage. I love this. Welcome to the K-pop Thunderdome.
Minhyuk sees Soyou at the judges’ table and tells us he has a bit of a crush on her. That must make him even more nervous. Come on, Minhyuk. You need to focus. I’ve said it before – we need a hardcore lesbian on this panel, staring holes into these guys.
The judges have the trainees stand on the boxes showing their rankings, just like last week. A judge tells Minhyuk and Seokwon that if they don’t move up in the rankings today, they will both be eliminated. Hear that, Minhyuk? Stop drooling over Soyou and get your head in the game.
The trainees are ready. Hyungwon is wearing what looks like a fur jacket. Shownu and Kihyun are wearing sailor hats. This should be … interesting? Sure, let’s go with interesting.
Soyou reminds the trainees of the rules, and Minhyuk just grins at her like an idiot. Minhyuk, I swear to God, don’t make me come up there. Someone should have put his mom and dad in the audience.
First up: Shownu and Kihyun in their sailor outfits. The song they have chosen is “Bang Bang,” by Jessie J, Ariana Grande, and Nicki Minaj. I can’t imagine these two men doing this song while dressed like sailors. To make everything even worse, they have not warmed up to each other yet. The judges comment on how awkward they look standing together.
Before one note of the song has played, I know this is going to be a disaster. “Bang Bang” was originally performed by three sexually aggressive strong women with powerful voices. They’re not being cute. They want to pull you into the back seat of their car. They want to show you how to graduate. They are not fooling around. This is musical sexual feminism. At the very least, this is a song for adults.
And these are the boys on No Mercy who
have chosen to perform that song. I know
that sailor outfits are sometimes associated with school uniforms in Korean
culture, and I don’t know it that’s what they’re going for here, but the look
is still doesn’t work. I’m seeing these
outfits through American eyes because they’ve chosen a song sung in English
that hit Number 3 in America.
I want to die.
The judges also clearly know this is a bad idea. They can’t get over how awkward Shownu and Kihyun look. They say they know these two didn’t want to work together. I can’t imagine how this is helpful. Maybe the judges are just trying to stall the inevitable, because they look like they’re dreading this as much as I am.
But we can’t stall forever. Let’s get this over with.
The performance begins, and I don’t know how to describe it. If I didn’t know they would both wind up working so well together in one of the edgiest K-pop groups in the world, I would swear they were both getting cut tonight. I don’t want to post pictures because I don’t want to watch the performance again. Let’s just refer to my notes:
“Why the sailor outfits? They don’t look like they’re having any fun. Please make it stop.”
The judges and other trainees are just as
bewildered.
Mercifully, it ends. The room is silent. The tension is unbearable. When the judges finally do speak up, all Hyolyn can say is, “I feel like you two prepared separately and put it together just now.”
SanE cuts right to the chase:
Another judge dresses them down like he’s their dad. He is PISSED. I feel the same. These guys are going to be the mom and dad of Monsta X, but at this moment, I don’t know how. I do not see a way for them to get from this point to that one.
Let’s fast forward. Shownu is picked as the one to face elimination. He went from being ranked Number One to being scolded by the judges like he’d just wrecked their cars.
I’m just depressed right now. These guys have seven episodes left to show me how they managed to turn into one of the greatest K-pop groups in the world.
I need to eat jelly beans and stare at the wall
for a while. See you next episode.
Episode 4: High Numbers rule the K-pop Thunderdome.
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