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(Written on April 21, 2024)
The show clearly knows we’re chomping at the bit, so we’re getting right to the Stage Battle. Let’s do this!
Our idols line up on the stage, all looking fabulous. They are about to meet the judges. They are:
Giriboy. The rapper from our No Mercy recaps! Welcome back, my guy! He’s the only newcomer to this show on the judging panel. The rest are familiar faces, such as:
Lil Boi. One of our rapping coaches.
Sung Kyu. Hoo boy. You may remember him as one of the vocal coaches, but he’s also one of the panelists who never knows when to stop talking, even when it involves breaking a show rule and telling everyone the age of one of the contestants. You know, the rule set in the beginning so the trainees would all start on a level playing field and not have to be intimidated by Korean social norms about showing deference to people older than you? Yeah, that guy. You have no IDEA how long I can hold a grudge.
Kim Jong Wan. Another vocal coach who is usually paired with Sung Kyu. All this time, I’ve been focused on the trainees and just assumed Jong Wan was a pop artist, but I just looked him up, and he’s in an alternative rock band called Nell. He’s the lead vocalist, keyboardist, and guitarist. According to Wikipedia, they’re known for their gloomy and psychedelic sound. I watched a couple of their YouTube videos, and they’re really good. I did not know that the soft-spoken, bespectacled vocal coach was actually kind of a badass.
Rounding out the judges’
table is our pink-haired dance battle coach Hyoyeon, and finally, choreographer
Choi Yung Jun, who choreographed Team Answer’s song.
The judges are excited. I’m excited. Let’s go!
The rap team is going first. They are Jiseong, Gun Wook, Surfer Dude, and Aquaman. They will do one song with individual performances and then come together as a group for the next song. They will be rapping about numbers as a throwback to when they started this show and had only number badges instead of names. They’re ready to get started.
Unfortunately, they can’t get started. One of the judges, and of course it’s Sung Kyu, wants to chat first. He asks them why they chose to rap in this competition. Because swing dance wasn’t an option, numbnuts. LET’S START THE SHOW ALREADY.
Sung Kyu wants
to keep talking. He asks which of the
idols standing before him are rivals, who they think will win the best rapper
points in this performance, and I really wish Korean culture weren’t so polite
so our trainees could tell him to put a sock in it and let them get started.
The judges then talk to each other about what it’s been like coaching these rappers, how much they’ve improved, and why an American redhead from the future has just burst into the studio with a loaded gun and demanded that they get this show on the road already.
We then flash back to a few days ago, when the coaches were checking up on our rappers, and I’m just going to lean on the skip button for the entire six and a half minutes of this. We are now thirteen minutes into this episode and haven’t seen a single performance.
FINALLY we are back to the Purple Rain Stage. Time for the rap battle to begin! Right after Sung Kyu asks the rap coaches what they will be looking for in this performance. Personally, my criteria would require the performance to ACTUALLY BEGIN AT SOME POINT. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
Another minute later, almost fifteen minutes into this episode, we’re ready to begin. Gun Wook starts us off with confidence and a bit of swagger. The lyrics don’t get translated, but it doesn’t matter. He goes rapid-fire on us without missing a syllable, and I love it.
Jiseong is next with
aggressive, in-your-face rapping. He struts across the stage, which is now showing a graffiti’d alleyway. Love it.
Defiant. Determined to break the
rules. Telling authority where to stuff
it.
Change of vibe. Surfer Dude appears in a jacket and
fedora. He tosses the hat offstage and
gazes directly into the camera. His
voice is low and seductive, and his first words are in English. “I can’t love you cuz I’m a workaholic.” The words trigger every “I can fix him”
impulse in womenkind. Then the beat
picks up, and he switches to Korean, but I still understand. He’s the un-gettable guy, and all women want
is to get him.
Last up is Aquaman. Police sirens wail from the soundtrack as he runs onto the stage like he’s fleeing a crime scene. This is gangsta rap, and the dangerous growl in his voice backs him up. He stares into the camera, daring you to come at him.
The other rappers join him, and it’s time for the group performance. They move like a street gang. Their choreo is so high energy. A choreographed fight breaks out between Surfer Dude and Jiseong at one point, never losing the flow. It’s like they’re preparing for battle with another crew but will still turn on each other in a second if provoked. Honestly, I’d debut these four rappers together as a group and be done with it.
The judges love it. They’ve seen a huge improvement since these idols started the show. And now they have to choose a winner from this group and award 100 points. Even I can do the math on this. Jiseong is the only TAN member in this group, and his ranking is currently outside the top seven. He really needs to get these points.
And yes, Jiseong takes it. He looks so relieved. The judges talk about how great his performance was and how they liked the changes he’d made over the past week and I don’t care, let’s get to the next show. The judges continue analyzing the performance for a few more minutes, and the whole episode is going to be like this, isn’t it?
Next up, the dance team! We have Changsun, Taehoon, The Brat,
Sunghyuk, and Jaejun. I’m looking at the
rankings again. The only non-TAN guy in
the top seven is Baby H, and Jiseong may just have gotten enough points to kick
him out and make the top seven all TAN guys.
The Brat is in 12th place.
He’s the only one who could win this without knocking any TAN guys out
of the top seven.
More chatter among the judges. Another flashback to the previous week of practice. I skip through it. Now we can start. They are dancing to “Fools” by Troye Sivan and “Believer” by Imagine Dragons. This team isn’t only performing the choreography, they wrote it themselves.
The first song is a slow,
yearning ballad. The choreo involves
reaching out and pulling inward. The
dancers do a lift during a verse about swimming. Every graceful move reflects want and
need. They end this part by gathering in
a circle and dropping their white scarves.
It feels like an act of surrender.
Then we move to “Believer.” They put on black jackets, and the tempo picks up. This is now a confident, sexy vibe. It’s tribal. Backstage, the other idols are mesmerized.
Yeah, there’s no way The Brat
is going to win this. Jaejun and Taehoon
own this performance. They’re going to
jostle each other in the top seven.
The judges give their feedback. Some of them single out Jaejun for praise, finding his stage presence cool and confident. The others compliment Changsun, saying they liked his laid-back style. They all get praise, but it looks like it’s going to be between Jaejun and and Changsun, not Taehoon. That’s a surprise.
The judges debate and choose
Changsun. I did not see that
coming. I’m happy for him. He just wasn’t the one who had my attention. Jaejun is clearly disappointed. I
get it. I don’t understand that vote,
either.
Another few minutes of jabber as the judges talk about Changsun’s stage presence and dance technique and please let’s just move on to the vocalists. I want to hear their arrangement of that SHINee song.
Our vocalists take the
stage. They are Baby H, Jooan, Hyunyeop,
the Cadet, and Ki Joong. Out of all
three groups, they have the best costumes.
I love the combination of leather, chains, and plaid fabric. Very British.
Shout out to the wardrobe department.
The judges tell them their song choice is a difficult one. The idols are unfazed. They say they wanted to try something different. More jabber from the judges, more time wasted in a flashback, skip skip skip. On with the show!
We begin with a soulful piano
intro. The opening lines are sung in
stunningly beautiful harmony. Then they
trade lines, including Hyunyeop in his gorgeous falsetto. Then they kick it into the dance pop
tempo. I love this arrangement so
much. I love the British landmarks on
the LED screens behind them. I love the boundless
energy of the performance. They move
like rock stars and are caught up in the joy of singing this amazing song.
Of all the stage performances I’ve seen on No Mercy and Wild Idol combined, this is my absolute favorite. By a mile. The judges are bopping in their seats. When the song ends on a triumphant high note, the judges clap and cheer. I rewind and watch it a couple more times. It’s even got a gospel vibe behind it, which is what’s getting me so emotional each time I watch it. I now have both the original version and this one on my K-pop playlist.
The judges have a tough job ahead of them. While all the trainees get praise, it comes down to Jooan and The Cadet. I’m just blissfully happy and don’t care who they choose, because TAN will come out TAN, and I will be watching this performance on YouTube repeatedly for the rest of my life.
The judges deliberate, and it
takes them a really long time. They are
clearly struggling to choose between Jooan and The Cadet, and suddenly, is it
weird that now I want The Cadet to win this?
Jooan will be part of TAN in the end.
I want The Cadet to get this win before being eliminated.
The judges announce the winner, and it’s … THE CADET! I am so happy. I thought it would be Jooan, and I know he’s disappointed now, but he’s going to be fine. If The Cadet is going to wind up leaving the industry, I want him to remember this performance and this win for the rest of his life. I love seeing him smile in the confessional. He absolutely deserves this.
To his enormous credit, Jooan
says in his confessional that this performance of “Sherlock” would not have
been possible without The Cadet.
Now all the idols gather
onstage in front of the judges, who congratulate them on their hard work. Then they gather in front of the Tower. The Last Chance mission has come to an
end.
The Tower shows them the current rankings and then factors in the new winners. Jiseong moves from Number Eight to Number Four. The Cadet, previously Number Eleven, moves to Number Eight. So close. Changsun, previously Number Seven, moves to Number Two. Taehoon has managed to hold on to the Number One spot, although now by only thirty points.
Now we look to the last episode. The Tower tells them that the final seven will be decided by 70% accumulated mission scores and 30% viewer voting results. The results will be announced during the final live performance. So this show is going to leave seven contestants behind in the final show.
We cut to a few days later, when the idols visit the studio again. We find out that they have been filming this show for five months. Now, each one will sit in front of the others, one at a time, and talk about their experiences while getting roasted by the others. Basically, this show is running down the clock again.
We get some basic stuff. Everyone trash talks Taehoon, the one in
first place. We learn that Changsun has
always been seen as the leader for all the idols since day one. They call Sunghyuk a fossil. (He was 22 when this was filmed.)
They tease Jooan for being short. I looked it up – he’s 5’8”. The average height for men in South Korea is 5’9”. So, um … burn, I guess?
But then someone brings up Jooan’s time on Team A, and now I’m ready to fight. They mock his gesture of ripping off his name tag when he left his own team, and now I will absolutely cut a bitch. And I’m bringing John Wick with me.
In other news, The Cadet has dyed his hair red now. Everyone jokes about the day he had to beg on his knees to be let out of Team A. Yeah, that was a barrel of laughs, all right. Especially for Hyung Seok, who has probably already blocked all three of his former teammates on social media.
More flashbacks. I think we’re done here. I’m going to watch the “Sherlock” performance
several hundred more times. See you next
time for the final episode, when we see TAN emerge and see their reaction to
their band name. I’m so curious, yeah.
Episode 13 (finale): This could have been an email.
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