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(Written on April 16, 2024)
I’ve read the summary of this episode, and it just says “The position-stealing battle begins between Wild Idols to take points away from each other.” So we’ve just gotten rid of all pretense of this being a pure talent competition, correct? Putting the band together may start with talent, but it ends with game strategy. If we can just establish that, I’ll stop getting so stressed out over these rules.
And yes, I
am well aware of how I cheered when Jooan got back to the top-ranked position
in the last episode, even though he did it by stealing fifty points from Gun
Wook, taking him from eleventh place to third.
I wasn’t thinking about it when I was writing, but after re-reading it
this morning, I get it. If this show didn’t
have these weird rules, someone else might be in TAN instead of Jooan. And since I’m a huge fan of the resulting
group, including Jooan, I’m just going to have to accept that this is how it
happened.
So with that in mind, on to Episode Eight! We open with footage of lions. We are told male lions usually die in battle against other male lions. Yesterday’s friend becomes today’s enemy, the show tells us, and it’s a cruel destiny. I reject this analogy, unless we learn that lions take points away from each other. Also, if Jooan actually defeats The Brat by biting and scratching him to shreds, leaving The Brat to wander as an exiled nomad idol, fending for himself in the wild until he grows weaker and eventually dies alone of starvation or gets torn apart by hyenas (which is how most male lions actually die, by the way), I will offer this show an apology.
What, too dark? I’m not the one who brought it up. Fine, let’s move on.
We now see our fifteen contestants in their new, more fashionable uniforms. Black jeans and shirts, gray belts, white tee shirts. They look more like the K-pop idols the show is looking for. We cut to the panelists, who tell us that viewers can go online to suggest names for the new group. I tried to find more information about the contest, and all I found was that there was some controversy because the TAN logo looks like the BTS logo, and the name TAN sounds derivative of BTS’ full name, the Bangtan Boys. When you scrape off the frosting, the K-pop industry is one big mess. But as I’ve established many times, I love frosting.
The panel does tell us some of the names being suggested in the contest. One is “Silmidol.” It’s the name of a combat training center of 39 Korean special forces soldiers, mostly prisoners and gangsters. This should have been the name for ATEEZ. Another suggestion is “Big Dipper” because the group will have seven stars. This would have been a WAY better name than TAN. The Big Dipper fan base could just be called Stars. No acronyms needed. The song “Walking on the Moon” would be even more appropriate. I should run a K-pop label.
Back to our show. The Tower is really stepping up its LED graphics. It looks like they’ve moved the Tower into an open field. I’ll miss the river. They’re away from the dusty trails and higher up in the mountains now. Everything is so green. The idols talk about how fresh and clean the air is. It really is beautiful. The showrunners know how to scout locations.
The Tower welcomes the fifteen survivors of the Teamwork/Point-Stealing for No Legitimate Reason Evaluation. (No, I will NOT let it go.)
The Tower announces that the position-stealing battle will begin. At the end of each series of challenges, the one with the lowest score will be eliminated. Then, the Tower suddenly appears with two big performance stages, one on each side. It looks like a bit festival stage setup. I reserve the right to give it a special name if I become so inspired. But first, it’s time for the warm-up mission.
At the top of a nearby hill are fifteen flags. The idols will race up the hill, grab the flag with their name on it, and return it to the Tower. The first seven idols to get back to the Tower with their flags will get additional points, which I assume will be stolen later by the last-place contestants.
It’s a long, steep run up the hill. Right away, Hyunyeop is in the lead. He is hell-bent on getting out of that last-place slot. Changsun overtakes him. They grab their flags. Now Surfer Dude is in the lead.
Running
downhill is harder on uneven ground. The
guys keep falling. Finally, they start
getting to the Tower. Changsun comes in
first. Jooan is second, just beating out
Baby Hercules in third. Aquaman is
fourth, Surfer Dude is fifth, The Brat is sixth, and The Cadet is seventh. Way too many non-TAN members in the first
seven places.
Now the Tower announces that the first seven can pick a rival and take points away from him. Then we get more math, because the number of points you can take depends on what order you finished in, AND it depends on whether a rival is targeted by more than one point-stealer, and there’s more but I just let it keep going while I went to get more root beer. I feel sorry for the subtitle writer at Kocowa who had to translate all this into English.
Changsun is
happy because he’s finally the one who gets to take points. The person who steals points does so by
ripping off his rival’s name tag, which seems a bit harsh. I guess they’re stretching that lion analogy
as far as they possibly can.
The Cadet goes first and rips
off Taehoon’s name badge, taking ten points.
I cannot wait for this schmuck to get eliminated. The Brat steals 10 points from Jooan. Surfer Dude takes ten points from
Jaejun. Our TAN men are getting robbed
left and right.
Baby H steals ten from Changsun, who jokes that he’s used to it by now. Jooan also steals ten from Changsun, and I have a feeling that’s going to come back to bite him. In fact, it does on the very next turn. Changsun is next, and he gets to take fifty points. Jooan knows it’s going to be him before Changsun even says his name. The two hug it out. Now the rankings have changed drastically, but I’m sure they will keep changing, so I’m not going through them again.
Now the
Tower tells them that they will be sleeping three to a tent. They get to decide who they want to share a
tent with. This is an odd thing to do in
the middle of the day, and I feel like it’s a trap. At least Hyung Seok gets invited to join a
tent instead of being picked last. Our
boys move into their tents, and it looks like they get furniture this
time. Nothing fancy, but actual beds up
off the ground.
As they settle in, the drums start up again, and they run back to the Tower. I’m curious, did they build a second Tower up in the mountains, or is it just one made of plywood so they can just move it around? It looks like it was constructed of stone blocks, but that could be a spray-painted effect. Anyway, time for a talent mission!
We will have the usual rap,
singing, and dance challenges. However,
the idols can choose not to do a rap or singing mission. Skipping the challenge of the talent you’re
not as confident in could be an advantage, points-wise. Each mission will be a one-on-one
battle. The winner will take fifty
points from the loser. Again, I have no
trouble with the show awarding fifty points to the winner and leaving it at
that. Taking fifty points from another
candidate has nothing to do with talent.
Okay yes I’ll shut up. Moving on.
Our idols report for the rap challenge. We have new coaches: Ph-1, Lil Boy, and Woogie. I’m not familiar with any of them, but our idols are beyond excited, so they must be famous. Jiseong is fanboying all over the place, which is kind of adorable. Wait – I’m just now realizing that Jiseong’s hair is no longer orange. And the blue in The Cadet’s hair seems to have grown out. How long are these guys actually spending out here?
Jiseong is the first to volunteer for the rap challenge. Aquaman follows, and then The Brat. Please let The Brat get into an argument with one of the coaches and wind up being sent home in the trunk of someone’s car. Others start volunteering, and in the end, we have six participants. The higher-ranked participants get to choose their opponents.
Gun Wook chooses Hyung Seok, who I almost didn’t recognize because he appears to have gotten a new haircut. OK, so the show flew in stylists after the last episode. They really are trying to make them more like actual K-pop idols.
The Brat chooses Aquaman. That leaves Jiseong to battle Surfer Dude.
The teams huddle to choose
their beats and decide who will go first. One of them asks, “If it’s a rap battle, do we
have to diss each other?” The other
responds, “No, we just do our rap. We do
our thing.” I thought all rap battles
were supposed to be vicious, but then I don’t know who Ph-1, Lil Boy, and
Woogie are. I immediately thought of
Eminem when I tried to come up with an American battle rapper, but then I
Googled him and found out that he left battle rapping years ago and has been in
seclusion, so I am old and never mind.
The teams keep working, and it’s pretty dull until I see Woogie’s shirt. I want Woogie’s shirt. I spent ten minutes trying to find this shirt online, with no luck. The idols meet with the coaches and try to find the right beats and yeah whatever I am still fixated on this shirt. I want to touch the material. I would wear this with everything. I would get married in this shirt. I would take the Presidential Oath of Office in this shirt. I want this shirt.
I get a gratifying moment
when Lil Boi stops by to see how The Brat and Aquaman are doing. The Brat (checks hip-hop slang online)
“spits a few bars.” Lil Boi is not
impressed. He tells The Brat he doesn’t
sound natural. I really hope this is the
episode where The Brat goes home. I
dislike The Cadet more, but he’s not doing the rap challenge, so I’ll be fine with
whichever of them gets eliminated today.
Showtime. Jiseong and Surfer Dude go first. And Woogie’s shirt looks even more awesome in the brighter light. It probably costs more than my rent.
Right. Sorry. Back to Jiseong and Surfer Dude. I’ll say this, Surfer Dude is a really good rapper. He lets his voice slide one moment and go staccato the next. Jiseong’s rap is more focused and aggressive, but it flows, and he’s lost in it, just like Jooan when he sings. Both these guys are talented. I don’t know how the judges will choose. They debate, and Jiseong, our TAN man, wins.
Next up, The Brat and Aquaman. Come on, Aquaman. Time to eliminate The Brat.
Aquaman goes first and does impressively well, but then he gets flustered and drops a line. He recovers quickly, but dammit Aquaman, YOU HAD ONE JOB. Then The Brat does his lines, and as much as I dislike his high-pitched nasal-sounding rapping, I have to admit he’s really good. He’s going to win this round, isn’t he? Even if Aquaman hadn’t dropped that line, I’d have to vote for The Brat. He’s full of swagger and energy and is having so much fun. He deserves to win, and he does. In his confessional, he’s an arrogant little jerk, but he won fair and square, so fine. Let him have this one.
Finally, we have Gun Wook and
Hyung Seok, and of course I’m pulling for Hyung Seok. The panelists are pulling for him too. Then something intense happens. During his rap, Hyung Seok is being
autobiographical, and he brings up his fight with cancer. Apparently, this is shocking news to the
panel, who I guess did zero research on their contestants.
We get a confessional, in which Hyung Seok talks about it. He was diagnosed in October 2019. His blood platelet was one-tenth the size of a healthy person’s. He had to stay in a germ-free room and couldn’t go out because the cancer was attacking his immune system. His hair fell out, and the drugs made him sleep all the time.
After losing his hair, he had
a dream of having long hair and being on an incredible stage. In the dream, he put on a great performance
and had the fans cheering him on. He was
so happy in the dream, but when he woke up, he was back in the hospital, so he
just cried. He hadn’t planned on rapping
about it during the challenge, but he gave in to an impulse. And now I need a minute.
Okay. I’m okay now. All I have to say is fuck cancer, and Hyung Seok is a rock star for beating it. Let’s move on.
The coaches decide on the winner. As compelling as Hyung Seok’s lyrics were, he just wasn’t as good as Gun Wook. Even I have to agree. Gun Wook wins this round. Hyung Seok tells us he’s disappointed, but he’ll be okay. ‘Something good will happen,” he tells us. God, I love this guy.
Back to the Tower for the Sacred Ritual of the Stealing of Points. The Tower has already done the math. Gun Wook is back in first place. Hyung Seok drops all the way down to last place. The Brat is now in third place. (through gritted teeth) I’M SO HAPPY FOR HIM.
We now move on to the singing mission. I’m excited for this one. The idols head over to the clearing. The panelists want to see Jooan take on The Cadet. Jooan is probably the only one good enough to beat The Cadet.
We have new coaches, and our idols are fanboying again. We have Kyu Hyun of Super Junior, Sandeul of B1A4, and Solar of MAMAMOO. These are some of the worst band names I’ve ever heard, and I don’t want to know what their acronyms are. The coaches ask who will be participating in this challenge, and almost all of the idols step forward. The Brat and Aquaman hang back.
Instead of a battle, the teams will sing a duet. I hope I’ll be familiar with at least one of the songs. I’m really excited when I see that every member of TAN will be participating.
Our matchups will be:
Gun Wook vs. Hyunyeop. Come on, Hyunyeop. You’ve got this. Now is your time to get out of those practice rooms and shine.
Changsun vs. Jaejun. Wow. Two TAN members. I can’t pick a favorite. It will be interesting to hear them compete against each other.
Taehoon vs. Hyung Seok. I can’t root against a TAN member, and I love Taehoon. I’m sorry, Hyung Seok. Why couldn’t you be going up against The Cadet instead?
Speaking of The Cadet, he chooses to go against Jooan. I love it. The panel is excited. The other contestants are excited. The two strongest singers will be competing. Plus, they have a history after The Cadet chose to be on Team A because of Jooan, and then Jooan left, making him feel abandoned, and then he had to beg to be released from Team A and OH MY GOD I’M WATCHING A K-DRAMA! This would be the perfect plot for an actual K-drama!
Everything else seems anticlimactic at this point, but we still have other teams to set up. So:
Baby Hercules vs. Sunghyuk. This will also be a good one. Their singing styles are very different.
The remaining three will be
singing together as a trio – Jiseong, Surfer Dude, and … I have no idea
who that third guy is, so I’m going to say it’s Ki Joong. Yep, the subtitles say that’s right. How is this guy having no impression on me
whatsoever? As soon as he’s off the
screen, I forget he exists.
We now have our six
teams. This time, as they’re all in
their huddles, I’m riveted. It’s fun to
watch the future TAN members work together like this. Changsun and Jaejun are in the same vocal
range but can’t agree on a tempo. Meanwhile,
Sunghyuk and Baby Herc have VERY different sounds and styles, so they have
different tastes in music. One of them
suggests a song, and the other’s never heard of it. They should just write their own song at this
point.
Our trio is having an even harder time. Jiseong and Surfer Dude have to agree on a song while also remembering that Ki Joong exists. By the way, how will the points work in this case? Will the winner get to steal fifty points from each opponent, or 25 from each? Anyway, Ki Joong wins at rock/paper/scissors and gets to choose the song. I suggest “Nowhere Man” by The Beatles.
And over on Netflix, we have The Cadet and Jooan. They’re also having trouble choosing a song. After I’m done writing these recaps, I need to put these screenshots together for Song of the Wild Idols and start pitching it to the streaming services. THIS is drama.
When it’s time to compete, all the teams want to go first. The coaches are being smart by not choosing The Cadet and Jooan right away. Those two are the main event. Everyone else is an opening act. Our first opening act will be Gun Wook and Hyunyeop.
Come on, Hyunyeop. You can do this.
They’re singing a ballad called “Don’t Go Today” by Im Se Jun. Hyunyeop opens by holding a beautiful high note. Gun Wook’s lower register complements his, but this is a battle, and Hyunyeop’s voice is just heavenly. On one line, he breathes into the mic before smoothly transitioning into the lyrics, and I melt into the floor. How in the world has he been held back from debuting?
He nails a falsetto note towards the end. One of the panelists remembers how well he handled Jimin’s part on BTS’ “Dynamite” in the team challenges. The other idols are spellbound.
Of course, Hyunyeop wins. The 14th-ranked idol has beaten the top-ranked one. Gun Wook chose Hyunyeop as an opponent because he thought it would be an easy win. I hope he’s learned never to underestimate that sweet, seductive, soul-lifting voice ever again.
I would be happy if the episode ended here, because I just want to float off to sleep on that voice. But we have five minutes left and time for one more. It’s Taehoon and Hyung Seok. They will be singing “Aloha” by Cho Jung Seok. Hyung Seok is ranked at number fifteen right now, last place.
Hyung Seok begins, and he has a sweet, mid-range voice. Then Taehoon picks up the next line. I just like Taehoon’s voice better. There’s an edge to it. His voice has character. He seems to know it and sings with confidence.
Then, a glitch. Taehoon mis-reads one of the lyrics and has
to recover. Oof. Please don’t let that be a reason for him to
lose.
But then,
another glitch, and it’s from Hyung Seok this time. He starts to cry and can’t stop.
Taehoon puts his arm around him and tries to keep them both going. But Hyung Seok is overcome with emotion, and Taehoon finishes the song. The episode ends before we find out the winner, which feels respectful. This is a good place to stop.
After a day like this, where Hyung Seok has opened his heart and shared the worst experience of his life, the spiritual impact must have been too much. My heart breaks for him.
Instead of going to bed, I
just want to sit and stare out the window for a while.
Episode 9: Beautiful Pain and Kitchen Sink Pizza
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