Back to Site Table of Contents
(Written on March 20, 2024)
I spent a long time after the last episode trying to figure out how a future Monsta X member won’t get cut in this mission. Mosquito is the best option for elimination, and he is going to have to be truly terrible. He’s going to have to insist on singing an original piece called “I Hate Korea” and end the number by burning down the K-Pop Thunderdome while the judges run for their lives. I don’t see how anything less will work.
I’m also trying to stay positive about the Hyungwon vs. Wonho battle we’re about to see. I’ve been wrong before. Let’s give them a chance as we begin this episode entitled, “The End of 2nd Debut Mission! Who will be eliminated?”
We flash back to the practice room. Our two boys are trying to choose a song. Wonho asks, “Do you think we should make it sexy, or could we do something we’re good at?” I swear, that’s what the subtitles say. I wish he had listened to himself before choosing the song we know is coming. Someone should have shown him his own subtitles. Instead, he plays “Sexy Back” on his phone, and Hyungwon is sold. The die is cast.
Cut to Wonho walking down the street. He tells us that before he was a trainee, he was a dancer. We are off to meet the dance group leader, Kim Kyu Sang. He’s a big deal in K-pop. He has created choreography for many top artists. He wishes Wonho luck on the show. He seems nice. After our meeting with Mad Clown in the last episode, I was worried this guy would tell Wonho that all dreams die, and life is a never-ending downward spiral into the infinite abyss of despair, but no. Nice to know not all K-pop bigwigs are total downers.
Wonho tells him about “Sexy Back” and demonstrates some of the dance moves. Mr. Kim is at a disadvantage because Hyungwon isn’t there in all his enigmatic adorkableness to show him why this is a bad idea. He does make a point of telling Wonho he needs to be confident, so maybe he has been watching previous episodes.
Cut to the final practice. They’re dancing with canes. Like the ones you see paired with top hats. This is going to hurt, isn’t it? Mosquito is going to have to commit an actual felony onstage to save our future band, isn’t he?
Back to the K-Pop Thunderdome. Can’t put this off any longer. At least they’re not wearing top hats.
We begin … and …
They’re really good. Dare I say it … they’re fucking hot.
They’re confident. Their dance moves are sexy as they prowl the stage. Wonho doesn’t show his abs once. Hyungwon has gone from mysterious to “come over here right now.”
Big finish as they hit the stage in a perfect fall. The judges applaud. They’re not as excited as they were after previous performances, but they liked it. Hyolyn tells Hyungwon he looks like he’s already a pop star. Overall, Wonho did better on vocals, and Hyungwon did better on dancing.
Wonho is chosen to face elimination. But like every eliminated person after Shownu, he should be proud. Both of them should be proud. And they should accept my apology for my lack of faith. I am a bad monbebe.
Now. The final battle. Everything hinges on Mosquito vs. Yoosu. I can’t wait to see how awful this is going to be to justify not sending Shownu home.
Flashback to the rehearsal rooms. The other trainees say this is an odd matchup, and they’re not sure how it’s going to work. Their styles are too different. This becomes all too clear as we listen to Mosquito and Yoosu try to pick a song. Yoosu wants a Korean song. Mosquito wants an American song. Maybe their performance will just be the two of them arguing over what their song should be. It starts to get heated. When we move ahead to Day 2 of rehearsals, they’re still arguing over the song. They finally agree on a new arrangement of “Replay” by SHINee.
We skip ahead to
the final day of practice. They’re
arguing over the choreography. Mosquito
looks irritated, so they argue about the irritated look on his face. They criticize each other in the
confessionals. Now I’m thinking their
performance will be an actual fistfight that gets broken up by the cops. That would be awesome. Terrible.
I meant terrible.
Showtime! They greet the judges. They have a café table set up onstage. They both sit. Yoosu is reading. The SHINee song begins. They’re not dancing. They’re singing a conversation about a pretty girl they see nearby. The judges look puzzled. Why are they just sitting there?
After a few verses, they finally stand up. They do a few shuffling dance steps, and then the song ends.
Okay, that was boring, but it wasn’t the dumpster fire I was hoping for. Is “boring” enough to keep Shownu in the game?
The judges politely clap. They are not smiling. After trying to find her words, Hyolyn gives up and tells them they both failed. The other judges chime in. Both voices were unsteady. They didn’t use their strengths as vocalists. These guys are getting the same scolding that Shownu and Kihyun got, but where the judges were angry with those two, they’re just quietly disappointed in these two. And as any misbehaving kid will attest, the disappointment is much worse.
Time to choose a candidate for elimination. It’s Yoosu, not Mosquito. I feel bummed for both of them. I feel so sorry for Mosquito, I’m going to go back to using his real name. It’s just not fun anymore, especially since we’re stuck with him for at least one more mission.
They really should have burned the stage down. At least that would have been something.
Now for the judges to decide
which rapper and which vocalist to cut.
They argue. One judge keeps
tapping on a trainee’s picture, insisting he wants that one out. Thankfully, we only get a few seconds of
this. The trainees are called back to
the stage. The numbered boxes still line
the stage, but numbers eleven and twelve are gone.
Before the
eliminations, the winning vocalist will be announced. This trainee will record
a song with Soyou and Giriboy. The
winner is … Kihyun. Woah. Even after that awful performance, the judges
recognized how amazing his voice is. Honestly,
I’m a little disappointed they didn’t choose Hyungwon. Based on this mission alone, I think he
deserved it more.
Kihyun might be thinking the same thing, because he looks a little stunned. He has spent the past several hours buried under suffocating humiliation, and now that it’s almost over and he can finally get back to the dorm, even this happy news isn’t getting through to him. He needs a shot of whiskey and a good night’s sleep.
Kihyun pins his Winning Vocalist badge on his jacket, next to his #4 badge. He bows to the judges and thanks them, still numb to everything, then rejoins the other trainees.
Now for the eliminations. The eliminated rapper is … Kwangji. I’m glad that #GUN is still with us for now. I do feel badly for Kwangji as he turns in his #5 badge and leaves the stage, but he can’t be too surprised. He had to know he couldn’t beat #GUN.
On to the eliminated vocalist. Shownu, Minhyuk, Wonho, and Yoosu stand in front of the stage. I’m looking at three members of Monsta X … and Yoosu. He takes it well, turning in his #8 badge and walking away.
The remaining trainees look
exhausted. Wonho is crying. The tension of the past few hours must have
been overwhelming, and now they’ve seen the first two in their ranks get
dismissed.
Soyou reminds the trainees that all of these performances are being broadcast (and in my case, translated on YouTube), so they need to make sure they aren’t giving performances that will embarrass them later if they do get to debut. The camera focuses right on Shownu and Minkyun when she says this. Oof. Yes, she has an excellent point, but please let them go home already.
As if she heard me, Soyou
wishes them luck and dismisses them. I’m
mentally and emotionally drained after this, so I’m impressed that the actual
trainees don’t just collapse and spend the night sprawled out on the
stage. I’m ready to move on.
But the show isn’t! No Mercy loves twisting the knife. We now cut to Kwangji and Yoosu, sitting backstage, looking depressed. Jesus Christ, just let them go home. Is it in their contracts that they have to sit there and broadcast their misery to the world? Didn’t we see them leaving the building when they were cut? Did you make them come back?
Jooheon sits down to console Kwangji, who says that he had really hoped that they would debut together. Jooheon nods. They all just look about to drop.
FINALLY we cut away to the
dorm. The trainees shuffle in like Night
of the Living Dead. They help Kwangji
and Yoosu pack their things. There’s not
a lot of talking. I know this sadness
must be a thing in every reality competition show, but this is different. Most of these trainees weren’t strangers who
met and bonded on the show. They’ve been
friends in the trainee system for years.
Jooheon says he’s going to miss seeing how Yoosu chews his food, so Jooheon is sad. Kwangji and Minhyuk joined Starship together, so Minhyuk is sad. Minkyun regrets how he and Yoosu fought so much when rehearsing for the mission. Minkyun is REALLY sad.
Kwangji says several famous idols told him he was going to be okay and would do fine, including Mad Clown. Really? Mad Clown said that? Make sure #GUN can’t hear you.
They all hug and say their goodbyes. In a confessional, Kihyun, still wearing his sailor hat and the deadest eyes this side of a morgue, says he will do his best to make the two eliminated trainees proud. Kihyun, please get some sleep. You’re going to be the Monsta X mom someday. We need you not to wind up in the hospital. Especially in that hat. Please take off that hat already.
We then move on to the next
night. It looks like the trainees have
been given a much-needed night off, and they are at a concert. They go backstage where Mad Clown is
waiting. Oh goody.
He’s his usual arrogant self, looking vaguely annoyed and asking if they’re here to bribe him because he’s a … JUDGE? Wait, has he been a judge all this time?
They ask for his words of wisdom. Mad Clown just tells them to be more aggressive. He says he knows because they are trainees, they want to be polite and not too flashy. But for the competition, they should put that aside.
The trainees leave him to resume
whatever he was doing back there, maybe telling schoolchildren over Zoom that
they will never amount to anything.
Next, they go into another backstage area, where Hyolyn and Jooyoung are
waiting. They ask these two for
advice. For some reason, Hyolyn brings
up that Minhyuk has a crush on Soyou.
And suddenly, Soyou appears! Umm
… yay? As an introvert, I would probably
die of embarrassment right now.
Soyou greets everyone and comments that the number badges are so cruel, and this is the first time I realize that they all still have their number badges pinned to their clothes. No Mercy makes them wear those badges everywhere, 24/7? So even out in public, they still have to go by their numbers, not their names? What kind of messed-up frat hazing is this? To make matters worse, Minhyuk’s number is still ELEVEN out of TWELVE, and you’re making him wear that on a night out, in front of his crush?
No Mercy, I am both horrified and amazed. I can only offer my stunned, bewildered, begrudging respect at your meanness. If I’m being honest, I’m a little turned on right now.
Hyolyn and Soyou give them generic advice. Teamwork blah blah blah. Do your best blah blah blah. Minhyuk, come back when your number is lower because I don’t date anything above a four blah blah blah.
No Mercy is not done embarrassing our boys. Turns out this concert, which the show
brought them to, is rated for age twenty or older. Two of our trainees are only nineteen and
have to go home. The other trainees all
pat them on the butts and make baby sounds as they leave. Sure, put that on camera as well.
Our boys walk away, looking for adventure and what’s left of their dignity. I hope the members of Blackpink show up on motorcycles and take them away for a night they will have to sign NDAs about.
Back to the concert. This is a showcase of Starship artists. It’s all fun and bright and K-poppy. The trainees wistfully watch the performances and tell us they want to be a part of the Starship family. They wish they had been able to to do their mission performances on a stage like this. I don’t know. It’s a little too pretty. I miss the Thunderdome.
Moving on. Back to the rehearsal rooms. Shouldn’t we be getting new rankings as some point? Looks like not yet. The trainees walk in and see a poster showing them split up into two teams of five. I get chills when I see the first team. Four future members of Monsta X are on the first team: Jooheon, Shownu, Minhyuk, and Hyungwon.
Wonho and Kihyun are on the second team. Our band is slowly coming together!
A woman’s voice calls for their attention, and a TV screen flickers to life. Hyolyn appears. She tells them it’s time to prepare for the third mission. Each team will prepare two songs, one focusing on vocals, and one on dance. One person from the losing team will be eliminated.
In the confessionals, the trainees are sad that another person will be cut. If this were any other survival reality show, I’d ask them if they knew what show they were on. But I suspect this show didn’t tell them how many people would be chosen for the band at the end. The judges are trying to put the right chemistry and talent together, so I believe they’re figuring it out as they go along. One of my biggest reasons for this opinion is going to come up in Episode 8. Monsta X fans know why I am bringing this up. I will address that soon.
For now, moving on. The trainees gather into their two teams, and right away, the trash talking begins. I’m just excited to be seeing four Monsta X members on one team. This show had me bummed out just fifteen minutes ago, and now my monbebe heart is happy again.
Team One, with our four
future members and … (heavy sigh) Minkyun, gather in a separate room. I am watching musical history happen as
Hyungwon and Minhyuk tell Shownu they’ve always wanted to work with him. I’m going to take a break to go squeal into a
pillow for a minute.
Jooheon suggests they get to know each other better before choosing a song. He’s been hanging out more with the rappers, so it makes sense that he doesn’t know the other vocalists very well. Minkyun suggests they choose a leader. (shownu shownu shownu I know he botched the last mission but he’s the dad of Monsta X choose him choose him please I need this because this episode has been so sad and mean and please give me this one thing I won’t ask for anything else it will be my birthday and christmas presents for the rest of my life please pick shownu please please please)
THEY PICK SHOWNU! My God, is he actually smiling?
Cut to Team Two. They also decide to choose a leader. (kihyun kihyun kihyun please please please he’s the mom of Monsta X and I need this please choose him I promise I will clean my room and walk the dog what do you mean we don’t have a dog well I will get a dog so I can walk it please choose kihyun please please please)
They choose Wonho. That’s fine. He’s Monsta X too. I can’t take care of a dog anyway.
Back to Team One. They are trying to choose a song. They discuss “Officially Missing You” by Canadian R&B artist Tamia. Jooheon likes the idea because it feels like a rap song. Minhyuk plays it on his phone. They like it. So do I.
Back to Team Two, also trying to choose a song. #GUN suggests “Empty,” and the others laugh because it’s a song by his famous rapper cousin Minho. They encourage him to give Minho a shout-out, so he looks into the camera and gives his cousin a personal message. He’s doing all right and misses him and loves him. This is sweet.
Wonho suggests they pick a challenging song for the vocal portion, since they have Kihyun on their team to back them up. Wonho, I’m sorry I doubted your leadership skills. The group wants something Christmassy. (This show aired over the holiday season in 2014-2015.) They decide on a carol version of “Caffeine” by Yang Yo-seob.
The official part
of this episode seems to end here. Now
we get a post-credits scene. Jooheon is
here to shoot a video for the song he recorded last week with Hyolyn and
SanE. He looks amazing, and thankfully,
they don’t make him wear his number badge.
Yes, I know he’s Number One. Just
give the guy a break.
Cut to Release Day for the song. All the trainees are gathered. Someone checks their phone and sees that the song has already charted at number six.
The song is called “Coach Me.” I looked up the lyrics translated into English, and now I just feel gross.
The other trainees congratulate a beaming Jooheon. Now it’s time to see Kihyun record his song with Soyou and Giriboy, and I just pray it’s called “I’d Like to Meet Your Parents,” or “Here Take My Jacket You Look Cold.”
We cut to Kihyun’s recording session, and I am so happy to see him so happy.
This song is called “Pillow.” I looked up those lyrics, and they are sweet and romantic. Kihyun and Jooheon have a bet on which song will do better on the charts.
This may be the
only time in my life I bet against Jooheon.
I’m off to take all the showers.
Episode 6: K-pop Chaos in the Coliseum
Back to Site Table of Contents
No comments:
Post a Comment